Baby Peanut's ultrasound

On Monday November 12th we had our "big appointment" that seems so far away when you first become pregnant

We were finding out if we are having a boy or a girl!

Now, truly the most important part of this appointment is to see my beautiful baby's spine, heart chambers, bladder, stomach, and brain. See that they are nice and healthy and developing beautifully. I'm glad to say that Peanut is nice and healthy. Oh, and a wee bit rambunctious. 

Anyhoo back to the HUGE news. The only news that people who aren't family really care about. BOY or GIRL?

I think i'll let my first baby goose tell you guys the good news. :)

Welcome to our family Ronan Nathan Henderson!

Why do I need a page?

I have a facebook page for OSC. I used to get some comments and some chit chat going on there but now it's mainly crickets. It got me thinking about why I have one. In the beginning of my journey it was a way to inspire others. In the middle of it it was for accountability and encouragement. Now? It just makes me sad. I really don't want to post things and have zero response. I already feel super awkward for having a weight loss page while pregnant. Yeah, i'll go back to weight loss after the baby but now I feel like those people don't deserve to share it with me. If you aren't going to support me in every stage of my life why do you get to celebrate victories? Why do you get to be nosy and look at my before/after pictures? Why do you get to share in giveaways that come from my own pocket?

I realized that what I need are friends. People who care about me and what i'm doing. I know there are those out there that say you can't expect that from online interactions but i've seen friendships develop between people online all the time. Bloggers and readers, gamers, long lost friends, etc. If you care, or want to care, it will happen. I thought that it was just me but I have to remember that I can only BE me. I can't be anyone else. If others don't like that then I have to accept it and move on. Maybe it's just not my niche. That's ok. It won't change the fact that I have a journey to complete. It won't change the fact that I want to be a role model to my family. It won't change the fact that I have a desire to be healthy.

So, I haven't decided anything yet but I will soon. I don't want to be sad every time I get online. I don't want to feel discouraged about being me. I don't want to feel like i've done something wrong. As always I hope you guys are doing well and staying strong! Only 3 more days until my ultrasound! XO~Bex

Pregnancy and exercise

Ok, i'm silly nervous about exercising while pregnant. I know that's silly but I don't want to do anything to harm my precious growing baby. However, I don't want to continue to be sedate all day. I need to get back to exercising and staying healthy. I know that will help me and the baby. This week my goal is to ride the stationary bike three times for 30 minutes. A far cry from what I used to do but I don't really care. It's something and it will be helpful. I'm also going to start tracking my food again. Not to lose weight of course but to make sure that i'm getting all the foods I need. I'm almost half way through my pregnancy but I really want this last half to be healthy, fit, and happy. If you have any exercise suggestions feel free to tell me about them. I love to try new things. I'm sure i'll fit yoga in there somewhere too. Stay strong!

My little pumpkin

I wrote a post on my other blog. Check it out if you want to see my sweet little pumpkin this year. I know, it's not health related but she's just so precious I can't help but share!

http://mommahenderson.blogspot.com/2012/10/my-little-pumpkin.html

Well hello there my three followers!

Well life sure changed for my family and I this summer. I wrote a blog post on another blog I want to get started and I'll post it here for those of you who don't see that blog.

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.” 
― Eckhart Tolle 

Ok, this definitely makes me sound like a bad person. The changes that are happening in our life aren't negative by any means but when I first got a positive result I admit everything negative about this change flooded my mind.

We are pregnant with baby number two.

Four years and three miscarriages after baby number one.

Grand total of 7 miscarriages and 1 amazing little girl to call my own.

When I saw that blue line pop up my immediate reaction was "Great, i'm going to have another miscarriage." Talk about a negative right? Well, looking at my history can you really blame me? Of course I had to take another test and this one was blue before I was even off the potty. (You are most welcome for that visual aid) I started to get hopeful and excited. The only time that has happened is with our daughter. Hope started blossoming. Then I started thinking about Lilly and all the time we share together and our amazing relationship and got scared. I don't want things to change. I love my life just the way it is. I don't want Lilly to feel neglected or less loved. I don't want my body cut open for the nth time. I don't want sleepless nights, poopy diapers, bottles, 40lb diaper bags, and the loss of our new found freedom.

Told you I sound like a bad person. I'm going to blame it on hormones, morning sickness, and a desire to protect Lilly.

I called the doctor and they wanted to do the usual blood work. Off I went and when I saw them on my caller ID I immediately prepared myself for bad news. Buuuuut there was only good news. My numbers were high and looked great. We are going to do the second panel and double check. Ok, that's when i'll get the bad news. I sound pessimistic but i've heard 7x more bad news than good so try to give me a break. They called again and I got good news again. We made an appointment for an ultrasound and a check up. I think I was (am) in shock. I numbly agreed on the time and hung up. With one of my miscarriages I got to the ultrasound appointment at 8 weeks to only find another loss. I was NOT looking forward to this appointment as much as I WAS looking forward to it.

The day of my appointment arrived and I was feeling way more nauseous than my morning sickness accounted for. I had to go through my history and paperwork before the ultrasound thus prolonging my misery. I really dislike telling people my history. Not because i'm ashamed or afraid to by any means. It's the look of horror or pity on people's faces that I hate the most. It's a confirmation of my personal hell and I abhor it.

Well we made it to the ultrasound and Steve got there to join us. I put on my armor and marched in battle ready and prepared for the worst. The screen lit up and we saw our little peanut. My breath caught. Ok, the baby is there. The yolk sac is there. Where's the heartbeat? Oh. My. Gosh. There it was. Our little baby's heart beat pulsing away in a beautiful pattern of light. It looked so strong. The tech said that we should be able to hear it so she angled it, turned up the sound, and let us listen to the most beautiful thump thump i've heard since Lilly's first ultrasound. 123 heart beats per minute. Anything over 90 has a 95% success rate.

THAT is when it hit me. We are going to have a baby. My heart was expanding to form a love bond with this little peanut in my belly. Lilly is going to have a brother or a sister. She is currently rooting for a  "brudder".

Even though this started out so negatively for me I now have an expanding heart, expanding hope, expanding dreams, and expanding desire for this new addition to our family. Things change but sometimes that change can make you a little better, a little stronger, and a little more loving. I know this baby will do all those things and more for me.

So, yeah. A big change right? I'm now just shy of 17 weeks and in two more weeks we'll find out what we are having. I'm crazy nervous for that appointment. I want to see my beautiful baby in there having a good 'ol time while the tech tries to maneuver the wand to tell us what gender our miracle will be. I'm still not over the "scared of having a miscarriage" feeling. I know two strong and amazing women who lost their precious children in their second trimesters so the fear is still very real and present. Yikes! I need to be more positive for myself and my family. Everything will be great and i'm excited to share those pictures with you guys.

So, weight gain. Comes with being pregnant and is inevitable. I won't deny that when I found out I was pregnant I thought "well shit, there goes my hard work down the drain." Yeah, it's a time setback but what a wonderful reason for that setback! I'm trying so hard to be healthy not skinny. I need to remember that every time I look in the mirror and see a growing belly. I need to remember that every time I get too tired to cook and opt for fast food. This is still about health, changing bad habits, and being the person I want to be. So don't expect me to go crazy lady and workout right out of the hospital. I'm going to spend my time being a mommy, being a wife, and being a role-model to my two precious children.

Stick with me and watch this new journey unfold. No matter what we ARE one strong chickadees! XO! Bex

Setting the tone and getting in the right frame of mind

I used to think that was a crock of poopy. I hate mornings and my frame of mind was (is) never that spectacular. I never gave it much thought though because how many of you guys wake up perky and ready to run a marathon? 

Me either.

However, now that i'm floundering a bit this summer i'm beginning to realize the power in setting the tone and having the right frame of mind asap. Starting my day off with a healthy, and delicious, breakfast really sets the tone for me. Pumping myself up, reading my white board goals, and focusing on what I can accomplish when I set my mind to it really puts me in a kick butt frame of mind. All of this together helps me overcome those ice cream cravings. Those it's too hot to move so I can't workout feelings. Those lazy days of summer thoughts. Those because it's cooked on a grill it must be healthy attitude.

Sooooo.....yeah. I have a lot to work on. I feel like i've got this journey down pat and then I realize that I have so much more to learn and experience. I guess that's why they say slow and steady wins the race. This week i'm going to work on setting the tone for my day and getting in the right frame of mind. That means getting up with a good attitude, a drive for success, following through with my goals/lists, and playing a lot with Lilly. (She doesn't seem to mind moving in the heat)

I hope that if you guys are struggling you'll take my advice and pump yourselves up! Let's make this summer count! Technically today is the first day of summer so we're right on track. :)

Support

Being supported is a wonderful feeling and extremely helpful.

HOWEVER!!!!!!!!!!!

You do NOT have to have a ton of support in order to be successful.

Yes, it does make it easier but it is not the driving force behind a successful lifestyle change. YOU are! Your strength, determination, willpower, desire, and motivation is what will carry you through to the end goal and beyond. I'm so tired of hearing people say that they can't lose weight or get healthy because they don't have enough support.

BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN YOURSELF AND OTHERS!!!!!!

Lead by example. Yes, it will be hard. I never said it wouldn't be. Sometimes I want to drop kick people for eating brownies in front of me but does that make them unsupportive? No! Does that mean I should give in and eat 1 (or the whole pan) brownie? NO! Take responsibility for your own actions. Just because you want to change the way you eat doesn't mean the rest of the world does. And yes, that includes your family and friends. Everyone needs a reason to do this and if they don't have it yet they aren't going to want to do the same things as you. So, suck it up buttercup! If someone eating a taco is going to do you in then you don't have the right reasons and motivation for this journey and no amount of "support" would have helped you anyways.

Have a question? Guess what? There is a search engine for that. It's called Google. You can thank me later.

Need a hug? Ask for one. Heck, here is a virtual hug for you. (((HUG)))

Need a workout buddy? Ask someone. Go to a gym. Drag your kids along. Get a workout video. Put a leash on your cat and become that crazy cat lady who walks (drags) her cat around her neighborhood.

Enough with the excuses. Either do it or don't. Just don't blame other people for your "bad" decisions.

The end.

Time

What do you make time for?

I'm a mess when it comes to time. I'm always late, I let it slip by, I mismanage it, and I don't fill it up with the most important things in life.

My friend Mary, who has an amazing way with words, put it so eloquently in her blog. The one sentence that punched me in the gut was this "How often am I stopping to listen to my children's laughter? " I honestly don't know the answer to that. I have been so focused on cleaning, blogging, losing weight, and being active this summer that i'm letting the most important things go by the way side.

I'm not at all saying that you should say the hell with lists, being healthy, working out, etc. What I am saying that is if you don't make time for your child(ren) you are truly missing out on what this life has to offer. Beauty, laughter, sweetness, fun, joy, love. All that I need to fulfill me is found in my little family of three. This summer will be different in so many ways for me. The biggest will be that I will make more time for the smaller things like listening to Lilly laugh each and every day.

Thank you Mary for this wonderful and powerful reminder of what a blessing it is to be a mother.

Picture perfect

This weekend was a big one for us. We celebrated Steve's 30th birthday! I'm so excited to be moving into our 30's. I have so many dreams and goals to achieve and I feel like this new decade will be a fresh and exciting start in our lives.

Before we left I had to take a few pictures. Lilly's hair did a poof and she looked adorable as usual.

Daddy and Lilly on his birthday!

This picture is the reason for this post. I posted it on my OSC fb page and my personal page and received so many wonderful comments.

I don't wear shorts. Like ever. I have been so ashamed of my legs for the longest time. This summer I decided to say the hell with it and wear them. Yeah my legs jiggle but I am tired of being hot and ashamed all summer long. The comments on this picture made my spirits soar. I was literally in tears you guys. I never look at a picture of me and think i'm beautiful, or stylish, or thin. Those were the words you guys were using to describe me. ME! I can't tell you just how much that means to me and just how much that changed my view point of this picture. It's ok for me to think I look nice. It's ok to put myself out there even though my body isn't perfect. There aren't a lot of people who do have perfect bodies. If they did, there wouldn't be a program out there called photoshop. So thank you, all of you, for making me feel like a million bucks. 

I WILL persist until I succeed!

Well May sucked.

I'm kind of blown away that I let an entire month slip by without losing a single pound. Talk about a waste!

However that is now in the past and I WILL persist until I succeed!

Something that is key for me is being organized and making things easy. I am such a lazy butt so if things aren't prepared for me BEFORE I want to eat it I tend to skip it. That means that I have a hard time eating fruits and veggies because they involve some preparation.

I'm such a loser. LOL.

So, yesterday I got my act together and cleaned out my fridge. I organized it, cleaned and prepped my fruits and veggies, and have everything easily accessible.

I can't even tell you how much that small amount of time/prep helps me succeed through out the week. It is crazy fast/easy to make meals for me and my three year old. It gives me the extra umph that I need to get through my weekdays.

I know a lot of people prep whole meals and either freeze them or put them in the fridge. I may or may not do that. I guess it depends on what foods will keep well that I eat.

I also did my pantry but I didn't take any pictures of that. It's really nice to discover food that was previously hidden by all the crap. I have snacks that I don't have to go out and buy yet! WOOT! My next shopping trip will be so easy now and I really missed that. I love the ease in which I was able to make a shopping list and place all my food in their respective places.

I joined a summer fit group that is also keeping me on track. I say the more the better. Well, except when it comes to fat on my body. I will get these last 30lbs off. I don't care about birthday goals now. I care about succeeding and being a good role model for my family. I care about feeling good and looking good.

I honestly have never gone this far with my "diet" and fitness. I know now that I am able to succeed and change my life. Don't ever give up on yourself. Who cares if you have a bad day/week/month? Get back on track and keep trucking!

160's FTW

Alright 170's. I loved you when I first got here. Now? Not so much. Frankly i'm quite sick of you and would love to NEVER see you again. Unfortunately this is my fault so i'm working very hard to remedy that.

I very much dislike being stuck in a weight decade. Even if it's my fault. It frustrates me, discourages me, and makes me feel lazy. On a related note I have period induced food hangovers. I don't know what comes over me but I eat crazy things and then don't remember why or how. I almost need to be chained up while on my period to stop me from doing bodily harm to myself.

I'm almost out of the 170s. I see the finish line. I will get there VERY soon.

I have a love affair with my white board. I love the squeaky markers, how colorful it gets, seeing progress and goals in writing, and being able to fulfill a childhood dream of being a teacher without having to teach snotty kids. I was so excited while writing down the rest of my goals. I have 8 more goals to go you guys! AND the 8th one is my finished goal so really 7 to get there! When I was first doing goals in January I felt like they went on forever and ever. It was a little daunting. Putting up these last 8 goals was exhilarating! I have come so far and now I can see the finish line! Go out and get a white board and then write all kinds of stuff on it. Goals, quotes, weight/food tracking, etc and experience the awesomeness for yourself!

This post is way disjointed but oh well.

I have decided to run a half-marathon in the fall. I have to decide which one I want to do but it's a definite now. I walked the Indianapolis Mini Marathon a few years ago but I really want to experience the pride of running and finishing one. I'm not a runner. I don't think it's all that fun but this is something I really want to do so i'm going for it! I'm going to follow the Hal Higdon program that is 12 weeks long. So when I find a date and venue that works for me i'll start that training. I'm pretty excited about it.

This summer i'm going to participate in a Color Run and a mudathon. I don't know which mudathon i'm going to do but I loved the Warrior Dash last year. It was hilariously fun! I plan to make this summer fun, active, and healthy. I'm even going to try camping. (YIKES!) I hope you guys do the same and make the most out of your summer too. I never do enough, which is the opposite of most people, so this year is going to be packed with fun!

Ok, that's the end of this weirdly disjointed post and should update you on what i've been up to. I have to figure out a "something new activity" for May. If you have suggestions feel free to post them. Have a wonderful week!

Hooray for May!

Is there anything better than flipping to the next month on a calendar?

Ok, yes there is but don't take away from my giddy joy at changing my calendar.

May. There is just something about it that brings hope. Is it the warmer weather? The blooming flowers? The animals scurrying around everywhere?  The end of school? The start of farmer's markets? Maybe it's all of the above that make May one of my favorite months.

This May is even more hope-filled. I'm on my incredible journey and still have so much to accomplish. April was difficult for me but that is now in the past! May is going to be amazing and filled with so many goals of mine reached!

Now, usually when I proclaim that i'm going to do something AND be amazing at it I get super nervous. I have a huge fear of failure and of letting people down. I'm moving past that now because none of that matters. I can't fail at this journey even if I have a bad day or two. I'm not letting anyone down because you guys aren't literally invested in my success. I know that you guys care! My point is that these are idiotic excuses for my self-sabotage! It's not going to happen this month! With April as the exception I have proven just how much I can do and change. May is going to be even better!

So, May is going to be dubbed MAD MAY! No i'm not angry. Mad is in mad crazy yo! (wow I sounded like tool there but you get what i'm saying) I'm so excited to get back on track and really knock this out of the park! My first goal is 172.0 lbs. That is my half-way point in my journey. I'm ecstatic about that! So ecstatic that i'm ready to get past that goal in three days. So, 172lbs by 5/4/12.

I hope you guys join me in making May wicked mad! Get some goals together for yourself and then bust through them with me!

ID-10-T error

Good grief.

Why do we do idiotic things to ourselves? I'm glad I didn't do it to someone else mind you but that doesn't make me feel all that much better. Why am I a glutton for punishment? Why do I continue to have to learn the hard way? Why do I sabotage myself?

This post is not going to be all negative so just hang in there with me.

I honestly have no answers to why we do these things. Why our resolve suddenly breaks so spectacularly. Why we decide that we have too much of a good thing. Why we need a larger goal in front of us in order to succeed. It's quite the conundrum. Any psychologists out there that want to take a stab at answering this for us?

What I have discovered is that the reason doesn't matter. The mess up doesn't matter. The guilt, shame, fear, anger, etc that you feel afterwards DOES. NOT. MATTER. What matters is what you decide to do after the dust settles.

Am I going to give up?

Am I going to continue down this path until I screw up so bad i'm back at the starting line?

Am I going to wallow in self-pity?

Heck no i'm not.

The one thing I have discovered during this journey is that I am a fighter. I am strong. I keep going even when things look bleak. Yeah I screwed up. Yeah it put me back a pound or so. So what? I'm going to learn from this, make myself stronger, and come out a better person.

I can't quit now. I have to prove to myself that I am so much more than constant failure. I'm so much more than laziness. I'm so much more than a food addict. I'm so much more than a dreamer and not a doer. I have to be there for Steve and Lilly. I have so many reasons to finish this. Way more than the pathetic and self-indulgent reasons to quit.

It's hard to come back after a bad day, weekend, week, month, year, etc. But I realized that I am so much better for it. The pain, the shame, and the hard work makes me a better person. I like that person and so it's worth it. I hope and pray that these bad moments will become a rarity and that I won't have to fight myself so much. But as long as i'm fighting i'm winning. That my friends will always be worth it.

Nothing in this world worth having comes easy

Boy ain't that the truth!

I have been doing a great job this year. I'm so proud of myself for saying that. I'm super hard on myself so giving myself positive reinforcement is a step in the right direction as well. I am so amazed at how much I have changed in such a short time span. It's nothing short of amazing to me.

However, this hasn't been the easiest journey. Some days are easy breezy and other days feel like a constant battle from sunup to sundown. While giving up is not an option for me this time there are days when it feels like the easier option. That's when I have to remember that quote. Marriage isn't easy but it's worth it. Parenting isn't easy but it's worth it. Financial responsibility isn't easy but it's worth it. So why would being healthy and fit be any different?

This past week was a major struggle for me. I felt like I was living in a black cloud of misery and despair. I have not felt that way in a very long time. It was downright scary. My drive just vanished. I didn't want to cook, clean, exercise, or participate in life. I felt completely blindsided by it. What in the world was going on? I recognized the cloud for what it was and reached out for support. That is HUGE people. I never do that. It's hard to admit to others that you need them. Well at least it is for me. My wonderful husband helped me with the housework, taking care of Lilly, and finding stuff to eat. My awesome journey buddy Nicole invited me to Zumba and talked to me endlessly on facebook. Some of my followers on my page rallied around me and provided me with support, encouragement, and laughter. All of those things added together helped to pull me out of the worst of it. That is when Steve decided to do a little research. Bless him, he's always trying to figure out a cause so that we can fix it. There is no unknown for him. <3 Thank goodness he did because what he found made perfect sense.

When I started this journey I was eating meat. I chose lean meat and tried to cut back on the amount I was eating every week. The less meat I ate the more difficult it became. It kept making me sick. The last time I tried I couldn't even choke it down. That is when I decided to just stop the charade and become a vegetarian. Things have been going swimmingly until last week. Steve, in his infinite wisdom, decided to look up vitamin and mineral deficiencies to see if that was my issue. I had every single symptom of an iron and B12 deficiency. My mood issues, my hair loss, my lack of energy, my longer menstrual cycle, and my under eye circles. So, i'm now on vitamins and looking at my diet to see how I can clean it up even more.

My whole point to this post is that you can't quit. You can't give up. You can't stop fighting. EVER! Even if you get to your end goal if you haven't learned this lesson you will go right back to where you were and maybe more. It's a vicious cycle that you and I have to break. If you gained a few pounds during your bad week so what? What is 2 pounds compared to the previous 30 that you lost? Suck it up and get back on track. That way you lose those 2 pounds and another 10! There is never a reason to throw in the towel. If you eat a bad lunch who cares? Don't throw away the rest of your day because of it! Get in a good workout, lots of water, and a great dinner. Every day is filled with thousands of choices. That means that you have thousands of opportunities to turn your day around and make it a positive. Get out of the mindset that tells you "well, I screwed up already so I might as well go whole hog and get something fattening for dinner and dessert". All that will do is make you fell terrible mentally and physically. It will only take you further from your goals. Further from the person you dream about being.

I've said this so many times but it's just so important and true. Losing weight is about cleaning up your mental health even more than your physical health. Overcoming those bad choices, those painful memories, those bad habits is so important to success. I am finding that out every single day. If you are struggling with this change look inward. Figure out why it's such a struggle and then start fixing that problem. I know that by the end of this I will by no means be "cured" but I know that I will no longer be a broken, lost, miserable woman.

If you are struggling let me know. I would love to be there to support you. It's so much easier when you don't have to go it alone. Stay strong my chickadees!

Take a step back

It's hard not to focus on the end game in this journey. Every time I step on the scale I get super excited to see a lower number. However I go into the "Now I have X lbs to lose"! It's motivating and exciting but I think I need to take a step back and look at how much I have accomplished and remember that this isn't a race. Eventually I will slow down and I don't want to get discouraged and give up.

What am I saying? Of course i'm not going to give up. See? Still so much mental weight-loss to be had. The reason I am succeeding is because I am working on that along side my body.

Back to what I wanted to blog about!

I did some reflecting this weekend about my journey. I have been so focused on the end number and trying to get there that I haven't appreciated just how far I have come in a few short months. Since I started on January 3rd I have lost 29lbs. That is an average of 1.9lbs lost per week. Also the fact that I have done something for 15 weeks straight is to be commended. I have a MAJOR mental block when it comes to finishing things. I find every excuse in the book as to why I can't complete this, that, or the other. That is something I am working on and I am seeing those results now.

I am so amazed at how I am changing and how through me my family is changing. My husband has lost 15lbs and my daughter, who is 3, eats salad like it's going out of style. When I add up all these amazing changes I am blown away by it. I have been so blinded by the finish line that I forgot to enjoy the beauty of the journey. My eyes are open now and I'm seeing that I am far from alone now. My sweet family is right next to me in this and we are experiencing it together. I made a difference in their lives!

I am still focused on finishing this race so that I can move on to the next part of my journey. However I am determined to enjoy and soak up every second of my current journey. To use it as fuel to finish. To store up wonderful memories. To not miss a second of Lilly's explorations into this new world we're revealing to her.

I know I don't blog a ton but I will try to get better at it now that my blinders are off. I just want you to know that if you are on this journey with me that you should take your blinders off too. Enjoy all these new activities, moments, victories, lessons, etc. Live in the here and now and be thankful for all that you are accomplishing. I am so proud of myself and that alone is worth taking the time to take a step back.

Measure and motivation

There's nothing that can build you up and/or tear you down like clothes shopping.

I used to despise shopping. It just meant that I had to buy yet another size bigger and that folks was downright depressing.

Today I went shopping with my friend Mary. (check out her awesome blog) While not everything I tried on fit, the majority did and I felt great. If this is what (almost) 30lbs gets me I can't wait for the next 30lbs to drop off. I have been struggling with seeing my weight loss. All this shopping really reinforced the fact that I have lost weight and do look better. It also gave me even more motivation to continue in my journey. There are so many cute things out there! I was able to see past the imperfections for the first time and see my hard work. That my friends is HUGE!

If you are on your journey, don't hesitate to go clothes shopping. You can do it on a budget! I went thrifting at Goodwill and Plato's Closet. Super cheap and super cute clothes. New clothes, no matter the size because every manufacturer runs differently, will help you measure your progress and help you to see your hard work. It helps to have a complimentary friend a long for the ride. (Thanks Mary!)

I say that the better you feel about the outside the better you feel on the inside. No, it's not all about the outside but who doesn't have a bounce in their step while wearing a pretty dress/shirt/skirt/coat? Getting out of my "fat" clothes motivates me and is so rewarding. I felt great today while wearing new clothes in a smaller size. I know that you will too.

Take a leap of faith and go get something smaller to wear. You will be amazed at how great you feel and how motivated you are to continue your journey. Take a friend with you and have fun with it. Never forget to enjoy this journey. You are creating yourself and everyday is a gift!

New before and after pictures

Not too much to report so i'll just leave you to look at my newest before and after pictures. 

Still a work in progress but i'm happy with my progress. :)

Figuring out the best me

One size fits all.

What a crock!

Whenever I see those tags I immediately put it back. Those most certainly do NOT fit all. I'm beginning to discover that dieting and exercise is not a one size fits all package too. There are so many options out there, most of which proclaim that they work for everyone while putting small disclaimers saying results not typical, that it's obvious that they don't work for everyone.

I have been really watching my reactions to specific things that I have been doing. What foods make me happy AND feel good. What exercise is easy to get through AND gives me results. These are things that are completely specific to ME. My personality, my taste buds, my attention span, etc. These are not things that I am saying you should do or are the end all be all in dieting and fitness.

For a few weeks now I have been eating a vegetarian diet. Why? Well, I don't like the whole animal killing thing but that isn't the reason at all. The last few times that I ate chicken I felt like I had the flu if I could even choke it down. Hamburgers give me horrid stomach pain. I don't like the taste of pork except bacon and that would do bad things to my intestines as well. That got me to thinking why am I eating this stuff? I can absolutely get protein that my body needs from non-animal sources. I don't HAVE to follow a specific diet plan. I can mold one that fits my bodies needs.

I set out for Barnes and Noble and let Lilly play while I devoured several vegetarian books. There are SO many out there! Cookbooks with amazing meals! (Goat cheese and onion tart anyone?) Breakdowns of where to get protein, iron, fiber, vitamins, minerals, etc. What it means to be vegetarian. Did you know there are several types of vegetarians? I didn't! It was amazing to me just how ignorant I was about being a vegetarian. I had been so brainwashed to believe that I could only get the nutrients I needed from meat or dairy. Btw, I totally eat dairy still. I'm trying to switch to organic so it will be less toxic for our family.

My whole point is that you need to get out there and research! Find what works for you. What speaks to you. There is so much information out there to help you. The food pyramid is helpful but it's not the end all be all of nutrition. Make your own food pyramid. You have the basic knowledge of what you should be eating. Research and expand on it! Create something that fits you and will be easy to follow. Be the best you that you can be!

4 mile Shamrock run/walk

I decided at the start of the year that I would try something new each month until I found something that I was just crazy about. This month I decided to run a race. I did the 4 mile Shamrock Run/walk because I figured that 4 miles would be a long enough distance for my goal but a short enough distance to not have to train for it.

This March has been CRAZY nice! It honestly feels like we skipped March and April and went straight to May and June. Today? 82 degrees. Awesome! Anyhoo, since it's been so nice outside I have been trying to soak up every last morsel of sun and warmth. Steve and I went for a beautiful hike in Brown County. We pretty much killed it and went around 7 miles. However, I was wearing tennis shoes and we were doing a lot of hills, jumping over muddy puddles, and climbing over fallen trees and limbs. I should have worn hiking boots. I ended up hurting my foot. I have peroneal tendinitis. It's an inflammation in the peroneal tendons that run along the outside of your foot and up halfway along your calf. So yeah....it hurts. But isn't this a gorgeous site?

Anyhoo back to my post about the run. Lilly and I went shopping and found some great stuff for me to wear during the race. The one regret I have is buying a running skirt instead of using my capris. HOLY CHAFING BATMAN! That was yet another obstacle to my race. Totally my fault yet again. The weather was gorgeous and it was a sea of green people. I love the atmosphere of races. There is excitement, nerves, laughing, and a like-mindedness for health and fitness. It pumps me up! Plus it's always fun to see guys in tiny shorts doing stretches with crazy intensity. It's a shamrock race guys! Lighten up! So funny!

So hear I am at the start of the race. Fresh and ready to start! Thankfully Steve wasn't there to take pictures in the middle when I was cursing my foot and fat thighs!

And we're off! I know it looks leisurely but I was booking it! Those tiny-short guys were flying past me!

I'm finished! I was so proud of myself for pushing through the pain and finishing the race. It was so fun and I will definitely do another one. The atmosphere is just too fun not to.

I hope you guys try a race sometime. You can walk them and they don't have to be crazy huge distances. You'll be so proud of yourself!

I'm alive!

I didn't realize it had been soooo long since I last put up a blog post.

My bad.

I'm doing great. I'm eating well, working out, and enjoying this awesome weather. Right now I am laser focused on getting into the 170s. Who would of thought I would be in the 170s soon? That is so darn exciting. I know that I used to be in the 170s at some point but I honestly can't remember it. I'm awaiting them with much excitement because I am ready to look at that mirror and see a huge difference from where I started.

My mental state is so much better as well. I'm learning to focus on my abilities and how amazing my body is. It can do so much! I'm also learning that my hard work pays off. Whether it's right away or it takes a month it will pay off. I am also learning that being healthy is the most important aspect of my journey. Being unhealthy is what scared me in to action in the first place. I want to feel good not just look good. I'm working on  being healthy inside and out and it's really working. I know that 90% of my weight issues were mental. The other 10% is because it just tastes so darn good. :)

I had two back to back hard weeks. I didn't do anything terrible but life got in my way. I am so proud that I got through them and got back on track. I didn't let a small detour take me completely off course. That is so important. It is so easy to throw in the towel. To give in to life's difficulties. To say "I can't" instead of "I can". I know this isn't a race now. That feels so good. I still have goals but I know now that the more important goal is to make a real change. My body will catch up and I will be at my desired weight eventually.

This weekend I am running a 4 mile St. Patrick's Day race. And yes, I am running it! I will not walk. I will push myself to do something that I have always wanted to do. RUN a race in it's entirety! Today I am going to go shopping for my race attire. We are supposed to dress up and have fun with it so i'm going to embrace that! I promise to post pictures.

I hope you guys are still going strong with your 2012 goals. Try to remember that there is no time limit, no rules, no expectations for perfection. You only have to try your best, pick yourself up if you fall, and most importantly BELIEVE in yourself. You are amazing and you can do whatever you set your mind to!

I am in the works of overhauling my diet. I'll write more on it later. Right now i'm trying to figure it all out. Stay strong and stay healthy!

I can see it

I have lost almost 40lbs now since I started trying to lose weight a couple of years ago. In that picture I was around 220lbs. I say around because I'm not sure. When I weighed in to start losing weight that is how much I weighed but my pants, an 18, were wicked tight. When I look at myself in the mirror I don't see an ugly person. However I don't see that I have lost any weight yet. I don't know when that will kick in. Hopefully soon. For now I rely on these before and after pictures to help with that. I need to see my progress. It helps motivate me and let me know that i'm on the right track. If you are on the same journey as me and struggling to see your new body in the mirror take a few pictures. The closer they look to your old one (same clothes, hair, pose, etc) the easier it is to see the difference. I'm so thankful that I didn't shy away from pictures at my heaviest weight. One, they are memories that are so precious to me. Two, they give me a starting point and a comparison. Three, I get to see that no matter what size I was I still LIVED, ACCOMPLISHED, and DREAMED. That is so important. It isn't the skinny Becky who accomplished/is accomplishing things. It is that 220lb scared woman that is accomplishing them. SHE decided to change things, decided to walk a half-marathon, to put herself out there, to do a Warrior Dash, to inspire others. I can't forget that because I know that no matter what I am capable of so much.

2 months down....

20.8lbs gone!

I am so amazed at what hard work and dedication will get you. I can't remember being this size as an adult. I have always been in the 190's or low 200's. I am wearing a size 12 and my 14's are now my comfy jeans. I remember starting this journey and telling myself that if I could just get into a 12 I would be happy. Well, I am happy but I am so far from being done. I'm so excited to keep going and see just how healthy, fit, and happy I will be. There isn't a stopping point for me. Health and fitness is forever. I do have a stopping point with my weight loss. That is 140lbs. I only have 43lbs to go! If I keep going like I have been these past few months that will put me at my goal weight at the end of June. That means that this summer will be spent in shorts, swimsuits, dresses!!! I'll be free to go out and be me this summer. That is a feeling I haven't had in a decade or more. I know that weight shouldn't hold you back, and I've overcome that fear several times, but when it comes to clothing that shows more of your body than usual I've shied away. So swimming in a bathing suit was rare, shorts on a hot day was rare, and dresses were non-existent. So much of this journey for me is a journey to mental well-being. I feel that my weight issues have mostly been because I was unhappy, depressed, scared, and angry. In uncovering those feelings I have learned that my eating habits stem from my emotional state. In cleaning up my emotional state I am cleaning up my physical state. I am so ready to be thin but being thin is NOTHING without being happy and healthy emotionally.

I have dubbed March "Makeover March" because I want to continue to makeover my life. My diet, fitness, cleaning, decorating, mental well-being, and family activities. There is always room for improvement and I don't want to stale-mate in my life while I focus on losing weight. I want this to be a total transformation for me and my sweet little family. Please join me in Makeover March and makeover those areas in your life that need some TLC.

Will you or won't you?

I am having a battle with my scale. I got down to 189.0 and then it decided to go back up. I'm fighting to bring it back down but today it went back up. I don't understand why my body is doing this. Every single time I have tried to lose weight this has happened. My body has a block at 188-189 that I just seem to struggle getting past. What is so frustrating is that I know i'm doing everything right. I know I could eat cleaner or eat this or that better but come on!!!!!!!! I'm not doing anything terrible. I'm not cheating, i'm exercising, and i'm always in my calorie range. I just want to scream and punch something.

I really hate it when people tell me that it's not about the numbers it's how you feel. Well, yes it is about the numbers. I still have 50lbs to lose. That is a lot of weight so yes, it's still about the numbers for me. If I was 10lbs away from my goal I would go with that attitude but i'm not. So i'm going to be upset when my scale doesn't reflect my hard work and effort.

I also really hate it when people tell me it's all about being healthy. You can be healthy at any weight. Ugh! I know it's about being healthy. However it's about getting to a healthy weight as well. I need and want both. Stop trying to make me feel better because it's not working.

I know that i'm at a pivotal point in my weight loss, health, and fitness goals. This is where I throw in the towel and live the rest of my days as I always have or I use that towel to dry my tears and wipe the sweat away and persevere. I choose the latter. I'm going to figure out a way to force my body to move past this point. I will lose weight, I will be healthy, and I will be fit. There is no other option for me. I don't want another option.

I don't necessarily like that but it's the truth. This journey is not easy. It's taking me to a place where I am confronting issues that I buried or didn't know existed. It's testing my strength, my patience, my will to succeed. I know that at the end is the Becky I have always wanted to be. The wife I have always wanted to be. The mom I have always wanted to be. And no matter how hard it gets THAT is worth the pain, anguish, hardship, frustration EVERY SINGLE TIME!

Support

I was feeling unsettled yesterday. I had no idea why. I kept trying to think if I was anxious about something, if there was an upsetting story I read, or if I had something big coming up and I couldn't think of anything. I decided to go to my gym and work out and watch The Biggest Loser. This season has not been very motivating for me but I wanted to watch it just because I like the distraction while working out. As I was biking and watching TBL I was thinking more about what I was feeling. I started thinking about being in a pivotal moment in my journey and how that still weighs on me even though I know that I can push past it. I started thinking about the amount of support I felt I was receiving from people. I started thinking about all the dreams I want to take place in the 6 months before my 30th birthday. I figured that all of that was what was bothering me and put it out of my mind and finished up my 30 minutes on the bike. I moved on to the treadmill to give my, ahem, booty a rest. As I was working out there was a part on TBL that came on where the contestants that were sent home received letters of support, love, and well-wishes from their teammates.

That's when I broke down.

I just started crying right there on the treadmill. It suddenly clicked as to why I was upset. These contestants, who didn't really know each other that well, were lifting each other up. Supporting each other. Encouraging each other. Loving each other. I am missing that. Some of those closest to me are not giving that to me.

However........That's when I realized something.

I don't need anyone's support to succeed.

Do I want it? Of course. Who wouldn't want to be lifted up during a difficult, pivotal, and dare I say monumental point in their life? What I realized though is that I don't need anyone's support or approval to succeed. What I need is a desire, a will, a need to change my life. To better myself. To persevere. Life isn't easy. If people fail me in every other aspect of life why wouldn't they do the same now? Because it's important to me? Key word Becky! ME! People have their own issues to deal with. Their own breakthroughs to go through. Their own struggles to overcome. I can't expect them to keep me afloat when they can't keep themselves afloat.

This journey is not all physical for me. In fact I would dare to say that it's only 40-50% physical. I feel that my weight is just a symptom of my mental state. Just like sneezing is a symptom of a cold. The sneezing isn't what needs to be healed. It's the cold. My fat isn't what needs to be healed, treated yes, but it's my mental well being that needs to be healed.

This journey is so painful for me at times because I'm tearing down walls, stripping off armor, pulling bandages off wounds and exposing all my fears, anger, sadness, guilt, shame, pain, and regret. I'm dealing with all those feelings now instead of trying to hide them. The only person they were being hid from was me. I was, and probably still am seeing as though i'm only 6 weeks in, deceiving myself into believing that everything is ok. In forcing myself to look deeper at the problem i'm slowly healing those wounds instead of covering them up. In building my confidence i'm shedding the armor I placed on me. In learning to trust people and understand their weaknesses i'm learning to tear down those walls permanently. It's the start of true freedom. The start of a new life. The moment where I start to really live and that feels amazing.

Definitely a work in progress. Emphasis on progress!

If that's not progress I don't know what is! I haven't really seen any progress until Nicole put these pictures side by side for me. I am immensely proud of what I have accomplished so far. I'm so excited to see where the next 10-15lbs takes me.

Don't....just don't.

I would love for this to happen but unfortunately there are people in my life that I can't keep away from entirely.

I was told the other day that I would never be a medium or an 8.

Why? Why can't I be smaller than what I am now?

I apparently don't have the body type for it.

I think that is a load of stinky poop. I'm not a 7 foot tall viking woman. Good heavens. I'm 5'3" and have an hour glass shape. Why can't I be whatever size I want?

Have you heard the phrase "Shoot for the moon. If you miss you'll land among the stars."? I feel like no matter what I shoot for it's better than staying where i'm at. It's better than not dreaming. It's better than being a pessimist.

I don't like the feeling of being held back. Of not being supported 100%. Of someone hoping I fail and stay miserable so that they have company in their misery. I want people around me that want better for me. That want me to be happy, healthy, successful, and shining. If you don't want that for me please keep your comments to yourself. I have enough self-inflicted negativity to battle and I don't need yours too.

Whew! That was not my normal post but I needed to say it. I have a goal and I'm dreaming big. I want others to support me unfailingly. Not too much to ask I think. I hope that you guys don't let anyone's negativity or hurtful comments get in the way of your dreams, goals, or ambitions. You can do anything you put your mind to. I have complete faith in you.

Music makes everything better

I don't know about you but there are days when I don't want to do a single thing.

Seriously. Nothing.

When those said days occur (more often than I would like them to) I have to really dig deep to get my butt going. One thing that REALLY helps me is turning up music that makes me want to dance. I end up having dance/cleaning parties, dance/workout parties, dance/bill paying parties, dance/craft parties......well you get the picture. I decided the other day when I was in a funk to make a workout play list. I find myself using this list of music to get myself pumped to attack the day. It just makes me happy. It's so fun to be able to dance with Lilly too. Three year olds have the best dance moves! We dance like crazy people all around the apartment and just laugh. The following list is what I have on there so far. Enjoy.

1. Rihanna-Umbrella
2. Adele-Rolling in the Deep
3. Lady GaGa-Bad Romance
4. Lady GaGa-Just dance
5. Brandi Carlisle-Dying Day
6. Adele-Rumor Has It
7. Rihanna-Don't Stop The Music
8. Rihanna-We Found Love
9. Franz Ferdinand-Take Me Out
10. LMFAO-Sexy And I Know It
11. LMFAO-Party Rock Anthem
12. Lady GaGa-Poker Face
13. Rihanna-Shut Up and Drive
14. Brandi Carlisle-Caroline
15. Lady GaGa/Beyonce-Telephone
16. Mumford and Sons-Little Lion Man
17. The Proclaimers-500 Miles
18. The Black Eyed Peas-The Time
19. David Guetta-Where Them Girls At
20. Martin Solveig-Hello
21. Alice Deejay-Better Off Alone
22. Ashlee Simpson-Lala
23. ATC-Around the World
24. Beatfreakz-Somebody's Watching me
25. Blink 182-Adam's Song
26. Britney Spears-Toxic
27. Darude-Sandstorm
28. Dave Matthews Band-Two Step
29. DJ Sammy and Yanou-Heaven
30. Galaxee-Lullaby
31. Gwen Stephani-Bananas
32. Lindsay Lohan-Rumors
33. Mercy Me-So Long Self
34. N Sync-Bye Bye Bye
35. New Radicals-You Get What You Give
36. New Radicals-You've Got The Music In You
37. Nirvana-Smells Like Teen Spirit
38. REM-It's The End Of The World As We Know It
39. Sir Mix A Lot-Baby Got Back
40. Smashing Pumpkins-1979
41. Snap-Rhythm Is A Dancer
42. Spice Girls-Spice Up Your Life
43. The Cranberries-Zombie
44. The Planets-Contradanza
45. Tobymac-Get This party Started
46. Toby mac-Burn For You

I'm scared

192.2 today. That is exciting and scary for me at the same time. If you have read my previous posts you know why. I always stop right around this weight. I have no idea why but it happens. I either get stuck, let life get in my way, or get burnt out.

I do NOT want that to happen again. I feel like i'm living a Bill Murray in Ground Hog's day life. I can't seem to move past this point. I feel like this time is different but i'm still scared.

I'm scared of the unknown. I'ts been a very long time since I was ever below 185lbs. Who am I as a thin(ner) person? I don't know. That scares me. I'm scared and excited to mold a new Becky. I want different things now and I know that losing the weight will help with that. It's kind of like letting go of a security blanket.

I'm scared that my life won't be as amazing as I have been picturing it to be. I'm scared that i'm setting myself up for disappointment. That even though I've lost the weight I will not be able to do all the wonderful things I have planned.

I'm scared that I will let down my readers. That they are expecting this amazing transformation and I won't be up to snuff. That even though I have lost the weight I will still look the same. I'm scared that they will all leave me and my support system and inspiration will be gone.

Mostly i'm scared that I will let down my family. They are the driving force behind my weight loss and fitness goals. I desperately want to make them proud and succeed. I don't want to continue this cycle that I have created for myself.

Why share all these fears with you?

Well for one I want you to know that if you are scared too you are not alone. Changing yourself is scary. Most of us are heavy because it's our safety zone. Our security blanket. Our armor if you will. Taking all of that off is kin to exposing our vulnerabilities to the world.

Secondly I want to share this because I want to overcome them. I think that once you share your fears you have nothing to hide and can start working on them. I know what is blocking my success now and I know what to look for when I start to struggle.

Thirdly I shared because I need support, accountability, and wisdom from you guys. This is not something that I want to go at alone. I have tried that way and failed. I don't want to fail again so I'm making sure that everyone knows what i'm doing, how I sabotage myself, and how to help me through it. This isn't an easy journey to make. You have to face a lot of demons along the way. However, it is a very freeing journey. Honesty is good for the soul. I have nothing to fear, nothing to run from, nothing to hide.

I am always here for you guys as well. I get it. I know what it's like to feel stuck, frustrated, scared, etc. Let's band together and beat this together. Let's show the world that we are STRONG CHICKADEES!

Trusty Chucks Giveaway

Who doesn't like a giveaway?

Not this girl! I love them! My friend Mary at Trusty Chucks is having an awesome one today! I don't know if you are like me and suddenly have old lady hands in the winter time. It's bad. They are dry, flaky, and wrinkly. Eww and eww. Her giveaway is organic and vegan body care from Mocha Tree Organics and they are even offering a discount! How cool is that? So, get your dry, scaly, flaky butt over there and register for the giveaway and buy some stuff at a 25% discount! Let her know I sent you! Happy shopping and reading!

http://www.trustychucks.com/2012/02/mocha-tree-organics-giveaway.html

Just an idea

I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life.

Of course I want to be a wonderful mother and wife to my family but I mean as a career. A legacy if you will. My mark on the world. My passion. My talent.

This is something that I have been thinking about for awhile. I never thought I would be reaching 30 and still not have a clue as to what I want for my life and my future. I always assumed that I would have it all figured out before hand. My goal this year, yes it's only February but my birthday is in September so give me a break, has been to make myself into the Becky I've always wanted to be before I hit 30.

Why 30?

Great question!

(Yes, I am pretending you are talking back to me. I do know I need help. Let's continue shall we?)

My twenties have been tumultuous at best. I have spent a lot of time just trying to survive life. I really want my thirties to be amazing. I want to be financially sound, fit and healthy, and making my mark on this world. I want my 30's to usher in a new peaceful time for me and my family. I know life will never be perfect but I want my 30's to be fulfilling and meaningful.

I have been shooting around ideas to Steve and Nicole. I love making people feel safe, respected, listened to, and encouraged. I want to show people that someone does care about them and that someone does want to help them. I know that I hate it when I feel like someone either isn't listening or is half-listening to me. It makes me feel unimportant and disrespected. I don't want anyone to feel that way with me. I want them to feel that they have my undivided attention and full support.

Where am I going with this?

Well, I really want to use that to help people. I think maybe in a counselor, life coach, mentor type of job. It scares me because I don't want to screw anyone up but it excites me because I know that people are desperate for compassion. I'm still thinking and working on this but i'm excited to have even some shred of an idea.

Are you doing something you are passionate about? How did you figure it out? Have you always known, did someone introduce you, did you take a questionnaire, etc? Either way I hope you guys fulfill not only your health and fitness goals but also your career and lifestyle goals.

Challenge

I'm doing my first official One Strong Chickadee challenge. I really want my page to be fun and interactive so I'm trying to do challenges, giveaways, group activities, etc. This is not just my journey and I recognize the need to share with others going through the same journey. That said this made me very nervous. I not only did my first challenge, which is still going on so get on board with us, but also my first video. EEK! I was not sure what my 193lb body would look like on camera doing jumping jacks. I wasn't sure if I would sound like a moron. I wasn't sure people would watch it! I think it was pretty successful. I love hearing comments from people that are moving out of their comfort zone and trying this workout. That is what success is all about. Trying new things and achieving them! There is not a time limit. Just do your best. You'll be amazed at how fast your body will adapt!

Watching my video just brings tears to my eyes. Just two weeks ago now, a little over a week from filming the video, I couldn't get through that workout with out stopping several times. The jumping jacks alone killed me. To watch myself do all 99 in a row without stopping is amazing to me. It shows me that my body is capable of change. My mind is capable of change. That if I just persevere ANYTHING is possible. It's such an empowering feeling.

I want that for you guys too. I want you to look at that mountain and say "Piece of Cake!" You can do it. It doesn't matter how fast anyone else goes. It matters that you start, you do your best, and you finish it. This is not a competition. It's life! Let's go live it!

If you want in on the challenge come visit me at my facebook page. I'll link the video as well. Let's make February as rockin as January!

That is the mobile version sans music

And this link is the one with music that will NOT work on mobile devices.

January and my 2012 goals

Can you believe that we are already closing one month of 2012? I feel old when I say this but I cannot believe how fast time flies! Seeing that January is almost at an end I wanted to reflect on how my goals are shaping up and what January meant to me.

I have several goals to meet this 2012. I know we are only one month into it but I am meeting these goals already. I know that some of them will continue on month to month but I am so very proud that I completed them this month! I hope that you guys will review your goals too and make any necessary arrangements so that you can meet them or continue meeting them as well!

One goal I had is to try something new every single month. I am working on trying to figure out what i'm passionate about. What moves me. What gets me out of bed and excited for the day. (Besides my sweet family of course) This month I was determined to try a Yoga class. I have been DYING to take a yoga class for years and either was too scared, didn't have the funds, or got too lazy before the year was up. So I set out, for my very first goal, to take a Yoga class. I asked Nicole if she wanted to join me and then made it happen. We took our class, warming up to hot vinyasa, this morning at Flourish Yoga Studio. It was every bit as amazing as I thought it would be. The instructor was sweet, knowledgeable, and helpful. I had no trouble keeping up with the moves and it calmed me like nothing else has. I am so pumped to take another class! Yoga is definitely all it's been touted to be.

Since I was feeling so great this week I decided to do TWO new classes. I'm jumping, leaping, and soaring out of my comfort zones and it feels great! I went to a Zumba class on Friday night at Fitness in Motion Studio. Holy. Cow. It was crazy fun and an amazing workout. I was sweaty and sore which are my two favorite "good workout" indicators. I asked Nicole to accompany me since a dear friend of mine couldn't make it to that class. She was such a sport and came with me at the last minute. What would I do without her? :) We both agreed that the price point is right, the workout was fun, and we burned a lot of calories. We will definitely do that once a week!

My weigh in day is January 31st. One full month since Nicole and I started our journeys. At this point I have lost 10lbs. I can't tell you how awesome that feels. I just want to keep going and pushing myself because I know I can be more than I have ever dreamed. At the same time it's a bit scary. I can't remember myself thinner than 185lbs. I don't know who I am as a thin and healthy person. While that thought is a bit scary it's way more exhilarating! I get to mold a whole new Becky! I get to decide the kind of person I want to be. What I want from life. How I want to raise Lilly. How I get to spend my time and energy. That is way more powerful than being scared of the unknown. If you are like me and can't remember being thin don't worry! You get to experience that journey and experience a new you that you create from scratch. You get to call the shots! Isn't that exciting?!?!?

I am so excited for February. I know it will be just as amazing as January. I'm not sure what class I want to take this February but I will be sure to let you know. Please don't hesitate to comment on here about  your journey. I love hearing about people's triumphs. If you are having a hard time share that too. We can work on it together.

Namaste!

You like me. You really like me!

I now have 104 "likes" on my facebook page.

WOW!

I am so blown away that over a hundred people want to hear about my journey. Want to support me. Want to be invested in my future. That is so humbling! I can't express just how much support is essential to keeping on track with weight loss. You have people surrounding you with love, tips, and accountability. I also love the fact that I can help people too. I am able to share the things that are working for me. Recipes, exercise, motivation, food products, etc. Plus I get to do fun things like giveaways, challenges, support groups, and more!

I know this isn't the easiest journey in the world but it definitely isn't the hardest. When you find your why you'll understand what I mean. I hope that I am an inspiration to you to jump out of your comfort zone and try something new. I did aerial yoga and a Warrior Dash with my friend Nicole at 190ish pounds. You do NOT have to be thin and athletic to try new things. You have to have a desire to get out there and do! The aerial yoga instructor made me laugh when I told her I was nervous that the silk wouldn't hold me. She said "Do you weigh 500lbs"? If not you can do it and I will make sure of it. Talk about giving me some confidence! These people WANT you to succeed! They want to help you reach your potential. You have to start somewhere but the point is that you started!

Thank you again to you wonderful 100+ people who are showing me love and support. You mean the world to me. Lets make 2012 the best year of our lives!

Why this time?

What is so different about this journey compared to the others I've taken?

So much and yet so little.

Just like all my other weight loss efforts I started off strong. I was going to lose weight, feel great, and look great. I did well for a month or so, lost a few pounds, got some new clothes, but then BAM! Something derailed me and I quit. Does this sound all too familiar to you?

So what is different this time? My reasons for losing the weight and getting healthy are different. It's a no-brainer that you and I want to lose weight to be thin and look great. But just as a no-brainer lacks substance so does that reason for your motivation. It's plain and simply not enough to get you through the ups and downs of weight loss. PERIOD.

As I was showering tonight (yes this is another shower musing) I started thinking about all MY whys' for this journey. Why did I feel different. Why was I so confident that I shared my journey with the world? I needed to know for myself why this became so important to me. So here we go.

I want to feel good. I have had several scares in the past few months that have made me realize that i'm not invincible. Disease doesn't care how old you are, how many children you have, or whether you are a good person. It only cares about what you put in your body. I have been feeding these diseases with sugar, fat, processed food, basically crap. All the things it loves and needs to develop. I recently watched a few documentaries that scared the crap out of me. Do I really want heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, arthritis, cancer, inflammatory diseases, etc? Is that doughnut (or 6) really worth that? NO! I have all these diseases in my immediate family and here I was destroying my body knowing full well that I already had one strike against me.

I want to be a good example for Lilly. I want to show her how to live not just tell her. I have been feeding her very nutritiously for her entire life. It wasn't that I didn't know how to do it. As she has gotten older though she looks at her food and looks at my french fries and tells me she wants what i'm having. She wants to be just like mommy. Right now, that is a scary thought. I don't want her to be like me. I want her to be like the woman that I want to and will become. I want to play with her, explore with her, teach her, love her, and be there for her. I can't do that sitting on the sidelines. I don't want to be the mom that you see in the corner. Hiding from people because she's fat. Wishing that she could join her family and friends in the fun. I don't want Lilly to ever be held back because of me. I want to be out there with her cheering her on, participating, and making her proud.

I want to be a fun, attractive, energetic wife to Steve. I want to care for him and be the wife he deserves and needs. I want to explore the world with him. I want to see a sunrise and sunset from the middle of nowhere with him. I want to hike, swim, bike, run, and just be with him. I want him to be proud of me. Proud to come home to a wife who is invested in their future together. Being unhealthy is like telling him I don't care to grow old with you. I care more about feeding my selfishness than celebrating our golden anniversary. I want to be an old couple that travels together, plays with their grandchildren, is living life to the fullest until our last breath or our Lord calls us home.

I want to help people. I can't go build a house in Haiti, dig a well in Africa, feed the orphans in Mexico if i'm 200+lbs. I want to give to those what God has so richly blessed me with. How can I expect to give when I am taking? I have the desire and am feeling a calling to help others and I will NOT let obesity stand in the way.

I want to inspire others. I want to show them that they can enjoy life while losing and maintaining weight. I want to show them that those few bad days is NOTHING compared to a life filled with pain, shame, regret, depression, selfishness, and fear. There is nothing to fear. If you eat well and exercise you will lose weight. You will feel better. You will be able to attain your goals. I can't wait to show people that they can do the very same thing i'm doing. You can still eat some of your favorite foods. Healthify them! Yes, there will be things you won't be able to have ever again. Are those things worth the beautiful life you will be missing out on? Heck no!

You can do this. I know you can. You just have to figure out why it's important to you. When  you do, you will be unstoppable. That scale will not define you, those negative people will not affect you, those fattening foods will not tempt you, those exercises will not scare you, and your weight will not hold you back. You ARE strong and capable. I believe in you and I believe in me. If you need support i'm right here to walk beside you. So, one question?

Are you ready?

Fluctuation Station

My journey train is currently stopped at fluctuation station. One day i'm cruising along and the next I have made an unscheduled stop.

 Not cool. Not cool at all.

 So, what's a girl to do? Well today I kind of raged against the machine. (machine=scale) However! I did not throw in the towel, binge like a crazy woman, and skip my workout. That would have been the easy route. The route I have taken so many times. But you know what? That route is what got me to my highest weight of 219lbs. That is ultimately the harder route because now look at the mountain you are facing.  Instead of binging show that stupid scale who's boss. Show that scale, no YOURSELF, that you will NOT be defined by that number.

 I ate well today and did a killer workout with my journey buddy Nicole. I ended up burning 600 calories and feel amazing. If I had binged I would be feeling horrible. It all goes back to choice. I chose a good path. A path that will lead to success. It wasn't easy. I had to make a bunch of good choices today and overcome the bad choices. Even though it was a struggle I came out on top. SO. CAN. YOU.

 What do you want in life? Are you willing to endure these difficult days to get it? If you aren't then life will NEVER change. But if you put on your big girl panties life will be so amazing. You will discover a you that you never knew existed. And THAT my friends is worth more than any binge will ever be.

Choices

I had an epiphany in the shower.

What? I do my best thinking, planning, and dreaming whilst in the shower.

Anyway, back to my epiphany. Life is made up of billions of choices. Good or bad. Every day we make choices that will affect us in many ways. What we eat, what we wear, how we treat people, what we spend our money on, how we spend our time, etc. It's the greater percentage of good or bad choices that determine who we are. If you put in good food you weigh less, you spend less money you are wealthier, you play with your kids you are more fulfilled, etc. My epiphany was that I am in charge of my choices, my time management, my wealth, etc. (lots of etc's in this post!) Whatever I put in, I will get out. Some of you reading this will be like "Uh, duh Becky." I get that. But have you ever thought to yourself "I wish..."? I realized that I don't have or need to wish. I need to DO. If I want to be thin and healthy I need to make the choice to eat well and exercise. If I want to be financially secure I need to make the choice to budget and save. It's my choice given to me by a loving God who created me with free will.

So, what choices are you going to make? Good or bad? I am making the choice today to take every day one choice at a time and let that lead me to a better, healthier, happier me. It's in your hands! You get to be the genie you keep wishing for! Take it a day at a time, an hour at a time, a choice at a time. However you do it just know that you CAN do it!

Ok, I'm stepping off my soap box now. :)

Week two can put a sock in it!

Stupid week two.....

Stupid scale......

Stupid muscles......

Stupid water weight....

Ok, if this were Lilly speaking she would be in timeout for 10 minutes. I know I shouldn't be frustrated. It's a loss. A 1.6lb loss to be exact but I put in the effort to lose 2.5lbs so that is what I wanted. Big baby much? Now don't go thinking I'm giving up and pigging out on some Oreos. That is wack! I will take my loss and work even harder this week thank you very much. One thing i've learned is that you don't anger the scale. If you are nice to it, it will make it up to you eventually. So I bought it flowers, ate well today, and did 84 minutes of Zumba.

Zumba. How fun is Zumba? I was shaking my booty all over the place (probably looking a bit mental but in my mind I looked like Shakira) working up a great sweat. If you haven't tried alternative forms of exercise do it! It takes the boredom and "I can't believe I have to exercise to be thin" aspect out of working out. Super fun!

I hope that you guys are still going strong. Don't show that scale any weakness! You are strong and if you keep going you will be rewarded! Have a wonderful Wednesday! xo!

Shamrock Run!

Steve and I are going to do the Shamrock Run on St. Patrick's Day. It's a four mile race that you can either run or walk. We are going to dress up and have a ton of fun. I hope that you guys will join us. St. Patrick's Day is on Saturday this year so hopefully more of you will be able to come. I think it will be super fun!

Tonight Steve and I went to the gym and worked out together. I can't tell you  how much I LOVE working out with him. He gives me so much encouragement and a bit of competition. We ended up going 4 miles and now we both feel really confident about the race. We should totally rock it by the time it gets here!

I have now done 4 days of the Body Rock TV challenge. Hooooooo buddy that stuff is serious! I am super weak in my arms and we are doing quite a bit of arm work. I am hoping that I will finally have strong arms! I hope you guys try this challenge. The lady is super sweet and modifies all the moves for those of us who don't yet have body rock bodies. :)

We are almost at 2 weeks of our journey. It's going by so fast! It has been very easy to implement and Steve is on board. I love to cook so I have been having a lot of fun healthifying our meals. I hope you guys try some of the recipes I have posted. Super yummy! I really hope to write a cookbook one day. That would be amazing!

Please, let me know how you guys are doing. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE hearing from you! Have a healthy, fit, happy week!