Monday, April 30, 2012

ID-10-T error

Good grief.

Why do we do idiotic things to ourselves? I'm glad I didn't do it to someone else mind you but that doesn't make me feel all that much better. Why am I a glutton for punishment? Why do I continue to have to learn the hard way? Why do I sabotage myself?

This post is not going to be all negative so just hang in there with me.

I honestly have no answers to why we do these things. Why our resolve suddenly breaks so spectacularly. Why we decide that we have too much of a good thing. Why we need a larger goal in front of us in order to succeed. It's quite the conundrum. Any psychologists out there that want to take a stab at answering this for us?

What I have discovered is that the reason doesn't matter. The mess up doesn't matter. The guilt, shame, fear, anger, etc that you feel afterwards DOES. NOT. MATTER. What matters is what you decide to do after the dust settles.

Am I going to give up?

Am I going to continue down this path until I screw up so bad i'm back at the starting line?

Am I going to wallow in self-pity?

Heck no i'm not.

The one thing I have discovered during this journey is that I am a fighter. I am strong. I keep going even when things look bleak. Yeah I screwed up. Yeah it put me back a pound or so. So what? I'm going to learn from this, make myself stronger, and come out a better person.

I can't quit now. I have to prove to myself that I am so much more than constant failure. I'm so much more than laziness. I'm so much more than a food addict. I'm so much more than a dreamer and not a doer. I have to be there for Steve and Lilly. I have so many reasons to finish this. Way more than the pathetic and self-indulgent reasons to quit.

It's hard to come back after a bad day, weekend, week, month, year, etc. But I realized that I am so much better for it. The pain, the shame, and the hard work makes me a better person. I like that person and so it's worth it. I hope and pray that these bad moments will become a rarity and that I won't have to fight myself so much. But as long as i'm fighting i'm winning. That my friends will always be worth it.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Nothing in this world worth having comes easy

Boy ain't that the truth!

I have been doing a great job this year. I'm so proud of myself for saying that. I'm super hard on myself so giving myself positive reinforcement is a step in the right direction as well. I am so amazed at how much I have changed in such a short time span. It's nothing short of amazing to me.

However, this hasn't been the easiest journey. Some days are easy breezy and other days feel like a constant battle from sunup to sundown. While giving up is not an option for me this time there are days when it feels like the easier option. That's when I have to remember that quote. Marriage isn't easy but it's worth it. Parenting isn't easy but it's worth it. Financial responsibility isn't easy but it's worth it. So why would being healthy and fit be any different?

This past week was a major struggle for me. I felt like I was living in a black cloud of misery and despair. I have not felt that way in a very long time. It was downright scary. My drive just vanished. I didn't want to cook, clean, exercise, or participate in life. I felt completely blindsided by it. What in the world was going on? I recognized the cloud for what it was and reached out for support. That is HUGE people. I never do that. It's hard to admit to others that you need them. Well at least it is for me. My wonderful husband helped me with the housework, taking care of Lilly, and finding stuff to eat. My awesome journey buddy Nicole invited me to Zumba and talked to me endlessly on facebook. Some of my followers on my page rallied around me and provided me with support, encouragement, and laughter. All of those things added together helped to pull me out of the worst of it. That is when Steve decided to do a little research. Bless him, he's always trying to figure out a cause so that we can fix it. There is no unknown for him. <3 Thank goodness he did because what he found made perfect sense.

When I started this journey I was eating meat. I chose lean meat and tried to cut back on the amount I was eating every week. The less meat I ate the more difficult it became. It kept making me sick. The last time I tried I couldn't even choke it down. That is when I decided to just stop the charade and become a vegetarian. Things have been going swimmingly until last week. Steve, in his infinite wisdom, decided to look up vitamin and mineral deficiencies to see if that was my issue. I had every single symptom of an iron and B12 deficiency. My mood issues, my hair loss, my lack of energy, my longer menstrual cycle, and my under eye circles. So, i'm now on vitamins and looking at my diet to see how I can clean it up even more.

My whole point to this post is that you can't quit. You can't give up. You can't stop fighting. EVER! Even if you get to your end goal if you haven't learned this lesson you will go right back to where you were and maybe more. It's a vicious cycle that you and I have to break. If you gained a few pounds during your bad week so what? What is 2 pounds compared to the previous 30 that you lost? Suck it up and get back on track. That way you lose those 2 pounds and another 10! There is never a reason to throw in the towel. If you eat a bad lunch who cares? Don't throw away the rest of your day because of it! Get in a good workout, lots of water, and a great dinner. Every day is filled with thousands of choices. That means that you have thousands of opportunities to turn your day around and make it a positive. Get out of the mindset that tells you "well, I screwed up already so I might as well go whole hog and get something fattening for dinner and dessert". All that will do is make you fell terrible mentally and physically. It will only take you further from your goals. Further from the person you dream about being.

I've said this so many times but it's just so important and true. Losing weight is about cleaning up your mental health even more than your physical health. Overcoming those bad choices, those painful memories, those bad habits is so important to success. I am finding that out every single day. If you are struggling with this change look inward. Figure out why it's such a struggle and then start fixing that problem. I know that by the end of this I will by no means be "cured" but I know that I will no longer be a broken, lost, miserable woman.

If you are struggling let me know. I would love to be there to support you. It's so much easier when you don't have to go it alone. Stay strong my chickadees!

Monday, April 16, 2012

Take a step back

It's hard not to focus on the end game in this journey. Every time I step on the scale I get super excited to see a lower number. However I go into the "Now I have X lbs to lose"! It's motivating and exciting but I think I need to take a step back and look at how much I have accomplished and remember that this isn't a race. Eventually I will slow down and I don't want to get discouraged and give up.

What am I saying? Of course i'm not going to give up. See? Still so much mental weight-loss to be had. The reason I am succeeding is because I am working on that along side my body.

Back to what I wanted to blog about!

I did some reflecting this weekend about my journey. I have been so focused on the end number and trying to get there that I haven't appreciated just how far I have come in a few short months. Since I started on January 3rd I have lost 29lbs. That is an average of 1.9lbs lost per week. Also the fact that I have done something for 15 weeks straight is to be commended. I have a MAJOR mental block when it comes to finishing things. I find every excuse in the book as to why I can't complete this, that, or the other. That is something I am working on and I am seeing those results now.

I am so amazed at how I am changing and how through me my family is changing. My husband has lost 15lbs and my daughter, who is 3, eats salad like it's going out of style. When I add up all these amazing changes I am blown away by it. I have been so blinded by the finish line that I forgot to enjoy the beauty of the journey. My eyes are open now and I'm seeing that I am far from alone now. My sweet family is right next to me in this and we are experiencing it together. I made a difference in their lives!

I am still focused on finishing this race so that I can move on to the next part of my journey. However I am determined to enjoy and soak up every second of my current journey. To use it as fuel to finish. To store up wonderful memories. To not miss a second of Lilly's explorations into this new world we're revealing to her.

I know I don't blog a ton but I will try to get better at it now that my blinders are off. I just want you to know that if you are on this journey with me that you should take your blinders off too. Enjoy all these new activities, moments, victories, lessons, etc. Live in the here and now and be thankful for all that you are accomplishing. I am so proud of myself and that alone is worth taking the time to take a step back.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Measure and motivation

There's nothing that can build you up and/or tear you down like clothes shopping.

I used to despise shopping. It just meant that I had to buy yet another size bigger and that folks was downright depressing.

Today I went shopping with my friend Mary. (check out her awesome blog) While not everything I tried on fit, the majority did and I felt great. If this is what (almost) 30lbs gets me I can't wait for the next 30lbs to drop off. I have been struggling with seeing my weight loss. All this shopping really reinforced the fact that I have lost weight and do look better. It also gave me even more motivation to continue in my journey. There are so many cute things out there! I was able to see past the imperfections for the first time and see my hard work. That my friends is HUGE!

If you are on your journey, don't hesitate to go clothes shopping. You can do it on a budget! I went thrifting at Goodwill and Plato's Closet. Super cheap and super cute clothes. New clothes, no matter the size because every manufacturer runs differently, will help you measure your progress and help you to see your hard work. It helps to have a complimentary friend a long for the ride. (Thanks Mary!)

I say that the better you feel about the outside the better you feel on the inside. No, it's not all about the outside but who doesn't have a bounce in their step while wearing a pretty dress/shirt/skirt/coat? Getting out of my "fat" clothes motivates me and is so rewarding. I felt great today while wearing new clothes in a smaller size. I know that you will too.

Take a leap of faith and go get something smaller to wear. You will be amazed at how great you feel and how motivated you are to continue your journey. Take a friend with you and have fun with it. Never forget to enjoy this journey. You are creating yourself and everyday is a gift!