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Good grief.

Why do we do idiotic things to ourselves? I'm glad I didn't do it to someone else mind you but that doesn't make me feel all that much better. Why am I a glutton for punishment? Why do I continue to have to learn the hard way? Why do I sabotage myself?

This post is not going to be all negative so just hang in there with me.

I honestly have no answers to why we do these things. Why our resolve suddenly breaks so spectacularly. Why we decide that we have too much of a good thing. Why we need a larger goal in front of us in order to succeed. It's quite the conundrum. Any psychologists out there that want to take a stab at answering this for us?

What I have discovered is that the reason doesn't matter. The mess up doesn't matter. The guilt, shame, fear, anger, etc that you feel afterwards DOES. NOT. MATTER. What matters is what you decide to do after the dust settles.

Am I going to give up?

Am I going to continue down this path until I screw up so bad i'm back at the starting line?

Am I going to wallow in self-pity?

Heck no i'm not.

The one thing I have discovered during this journey is that I am a fighter. I am strong. I keep going even when things look bleak. Yeah I screwed up. Yeah it put me back a pound or so. So what? I'm going to learn from this, make myself stronger, and come out a better person.

I can't quit now. I have to prove to myself that I am so much more than constant failure. I'm so much more than laziness. I'm so much more than a food addict. I'm so much more than a dreamer and not a doer. I have to be there for Steve and Lilly. I have so many reasons to finish this. Way more than the pathetic and self-indulgent reasons to quit.

It's hard to come back after a bad day, weekend, week, month, year, etc. But I realized that I am so much better for it. The pain, the shame, and the hard work makes me a better person. I like that person and so it's worth it. I hope and pray that these bad moments will become a rarity and that I won't have to fight myself so much. But as long as i'm fighting i'm winning. That my friends will always be worth it.