Support

I was feeling unsettled yesterday. I had no idea why. I kept trying to think if I was anxious about something, if there was an upsetting story I read, or if I had something big coming up and I couldn't think of anything. I decided to go to my gym and work out and watch The Biggest Loser. This season has not been very motivating for me but I wanted to watch it just because I like the distraction while working out. As I was biking and watching TBL I was thinking more about what I was feeling. I started thinking about being in a pivotal moment in my journey and how that still weighs on me even though I know that I can push past it. I started thinking about the amount of support I felt I was receiving from people. I started thinking about all the dreams I want to take place in the 6 months before my 30th birthday. I figured that all of that was what was bothering me and put it out of my mind and finished up my 30 minutes on the bike. I moved on to the treadmill to give my, ahem, booty a rest. As I was working out there was a part on TBL that came on where the contestants that were sent home received letters of support, love, and well-wishes from their teammates.

That's when I broke down.

I just started crying right there on the treadmill. It suddenly clicked as to why I was upset. These contestants, who didn't really know each other that well, were lifting each other up. Supporting each other. Encouraging each other. Loving each other. I am missing that. Some of those closest to me are not giving that to me.

However........That's when I realized something.

I don't need anyone's support to succeed.

Do I want it? Of course. Who wouldn't want to be lifted up during a difficult, pivotal, and dare I say monumental point in their life? What I realized though is that I don't need anyone's support or approval to succeed. What I need is a desire, a will, a need to change my life. To better myself. To persevere. Life isn't easy. If people fail me in every other aspect of life why wouldn't they do the same now? Because it's important to me? Key word Becky! ME! People have their own issues to deal with. Their own breakthroughs to go through. Their own struggles to overcome. I can't expect them to keep me afloat when they can't keep themselves afloat.

This journey is not all physical for me. In fact I would dare to say that it's only 40-50% physical. I feel that my weight is just a symptom of my mental state. Just like sneezing is a symptom of a cold. The sneezing isn't what needs to be healed. It's the cold. My fat isn't what needs to be healed, treated yes, but it's my mental well being that needs to be healed.

This journey is so painful for me at times because I'm tearing down walls, stripping off armor, pulling bandages off wounds and exposing all my fears, anger, sadness, guilt, shame, pain, and regret. I'm dealing with all those feelings now instead of trying to hide them. The only person they were being hid from was me. I was, and probably still am seeing as though i'm only 6 weeks in, deceiving myself into believing that everything is ok. In forcing myself to look deeper at the problem i'm slowly healing those wounds instead of covering them up. In building my confidence i'm shedding the armor I placed on me. In learning to trust people and understand their weaknesses i'm learning to tear down those walls permanently. It's the start of true freedom. The start of a new life. The moment where I start to really live and that feels amazing.