2 months down....

20.8lbs gone!

I am so amazed at what hard work and dedication will get you. I can't remember being this size as an adult. I have always been in the 190's or low 200's. I am wearing a size 12 and my 14's are now my comfy jeans. I remember starting this journey and telling myself that if I could just get into a 12 I would be happy. Well, I am happy but I am so far from being done. I'm so excited to keep going and see just how healthy, fit, and happy I will be. There isn't a stopping point for me. Health and fitness is forever. I do have a stopping point with my weight loss. That is 140lbs. I only have 43lbs to go! If I keep going like I have been these past few months that will put me at my goal weight at the end of June. That means that this summer will be spent in shorts, swimsuits, dresses!!! I'll be free to go out and be me this summer. That is a feeling I haven't had in a decade or more. I know that weight shouldn't hold you back, and I've overcome that fear several times, but when it comes to clothing that shows more of your body than usual I've shied away. So swimming in a bathing suit was rare, shorts on a hot day was rare, and dresses were non-existent. So much of this journey for me is a journey to mental well-being. I feel that my weight issues have mostly been because I was unhappy, depressed, scared, and angry. In uncovering those feelings I have learned that my eating habits stem from my emotional state. In cleaning up my emotional state I am cleaning up my physical state. I am so ready to be thin but being thin is NOTHING without being happy and healthy emotionally.

I have dubbed March "Makeover March" because I want to continue to makeover my life. My diet, fitness, cleaning, decorating, mental well-being, and family activities. There is always room for improvement and I don't want to stale-mate in my life while I focus on losing weight. I want this to be a total transformation for me and my sweet little family. Please join me in Makeover March and makeover those areas in your life that need some TLC.

Will you or won't you?

I am having a battle with my scale. I got down to 189.0 and then it decided to go back up. I'm fighting to bring it back down but today it went back up. I don't understand why my body is doing this. Every single time I have tried to lose weight this has happened. My body has a block at 188-189 that I just seem to struggle getting past. What is so frustrating is that I know i'm doing everything right. I know I could eat cleaner or eat this or that better but come on!!!!!!!! I'm not doing anything terrible. I'm not cheating, i'm exercising, and i'm always in my calorie range. I just want to scream and punch something.

I really hate it when people tell me that it's not about the numbers it's how you feel. Well, yes it is about the numbers. I still have 50lbs to lose. That is a lot of weight so yes, it's still about the numbers for me. If I was 10lbs away from my goal I would go with that attitude but i'm not. So i'm going to be upset when my scale doesn't reflect my hard work and effort.

I also really hate it when people tell me it's all about being healthy. You can be healthy at any weight. Ugh! I know it's about being healthy. However it's about getting to a healthy weight as well. I need and want both. Stop trying to make me feel better because it's not working.

I know that i'm at a pivotal point in my weight loss, health, and fitness goals. This is where I throw in the towel and live the rest of my days as I always have or I use that towel to dry my tears and wipe the sweat away and persevere. I choose the latter. I'm going to figure out a way to force my body to move past this point. I will lose weight, I will be healthy, and I will be fit. There is no other option for me. I don't want another option.

I don't necessarily like that but it's the truth. This journey is not easy. It's taking me to a place where I am confronting issues that I buried or didn't know existed. It's testing my strength, my patience, my will to succeed. I know that at the end is the Becky I have always wanted to be. The wife I have always wanted to be. The mom I have always wanted to be. And no matter how hard it gets THAT is worth the pain, anguish, hardship, frustration EVERY SINGLE TIME!

Support

I was feeling unsettled yesterday. I had no idea why. I kept trying to think if I was anxious about something, if there was an upsetting story I read, or if I had something big coming up and I couldn't think of anything. I decided to go to my gym and work out and watch The Biggest Loser. This season has not been very motivating for me but I wanted to watch it just because I like the distraction while working out. As I was biking and watching TBL I was thinking more about what I was feeling. I started thinking about being in a pivotal moment in my journey and how that still weighs on me even though I know that I can push past it. I started thinking about the amount of support I felt I was receiving from people. I started thinking about all the dreams I want to take place in the 6 months before my 30th birthday. I figured that all of that was what was bothering me and put it out of my mind and finished up my 30 minutes on the bike. I moved on to the treadmill to give my, ahem, booty a rest. As I was working out there was a part on TBL that came on where the contestants that were sent home received letters of support, love, and well-wishes from their teammates.

That's when I broke down.

I just started crying right there on the treadmill. It suddenly clicked as to why I was upset. These contestants, who didn't really know each other that well, were lifting each other up. Supporting each other. Encouraging each other. Loving each other. I am missing that. Some of those closest to me are not giving that to me.

However........That's when I realized something.

I don't need anyone's support to succeed.

Do I want it? Of course. Who wouldn't want to be lifted up during a difficult, pivotal, and dare I say monumental point in their life? What I realized though is that I don't need anyone's support or approval to succeed. What I need is a desire, a will, a need to change my life. To better myself. To persevere. Life isn't easy. If people fail me in every other aspect of life why wouldn't they do the same now? Because it's important to me? Key word Becky! ME! People have their own issues to deal with. Their own breakthroughs to go through. Their own struggles to overcome. I can't expect them to keep me afloat when they can't keep themselves afloat.

This journey is not all physical for me. In fact I would dare to say that it's only 40-50% physical. I feel that my weight is just a symptom of my mental state. Just like sneezing is a symptom of a cold. The sneezing isn't what needs to be healed. It's the cold. My fat isn't what needs to be healed, treated yes, but it's my mental well being that needs to be healed.

This journey is so painful for me at times because I'm tearing down walls, stripping off armor, pulling bandages off wounds and exposing all my fears, anger, sadness, guilt, shame, pain, and regret. I'm dealing with all those feelings now instead of trying to hide them. The only person they were being hid from was me. I was, and probably still am seeing as though i'm only 6 weeks in, deceiving myself into believing that everything is ok. In forcing myself to look deeper at the problem i'm slowly healing those wounds instead of covering them up. In building my confidence i'm shedding the armor I placed on me. In learning to trust people and understand their weaknesses i'm learning to tear down those walls permanently. It's the start of true freedom. The start of a new life. The moment where I start to really live and that feels amazing.

Definitely a work in progress. Emphasis on progress!

If that's not progress I don't know what is! I haven't really seen any progress until Nicole put these pictures side by side for me. I am immensely proud of what I have accomplished so far. I'm so excited to see where the next 10-15lbs takes me.

Don't....just don't.

I would love for this to happen but unfortunately there are people in my life that I can't keep away from entirely.

I was told the other day that I would never be a medium or an 8.

Why? Why can't I be smaller than what I am now?

I apparently don't have the body type for it.

I think that is a load of stinky poop. I'm not a 7 foot tall viking woman. Good heavens. I'm 5'3" and have an hour glass shape. Why can't I be whatever size I want?

Have you heard the phrase "Shoot for the moon. If you miss you'll land among the stars."? I feel like no matter what I shoot for it's better than staying where i'm at. It's better than not dreaming. It's better than being a pessimist.

I don't like the feeling of being held back. Of not being supported 100%. Of someone hoping I fail and stay miserable so that they have company in their misery. I want people around me that want better for me. That want me to be happy, healthy, successful, and shining. If you don't want that for me please keep your comments to yourself. I have enough self-inflicted negativity to battle and I don't need yours too.

Whew! That was not my normal post but I needed to say it. I have a goal and I'm dreaming big. I want others to support me unfailingly. Not too much to ask I think. I hope that you guys don't let anyone's negativity or hurtful comments get in the way of your dreams, goals, or ambitions. You can do anything you put your mind to. I have complete faith in you.

Music makes everything better

I don't know about you but there are days when I don't want to do a single thing.

Seriously. Nothing.

When those said days occur (more often than I would like them to) I have to really dig deep to get my butt going. One thing that REALLY helps me is turning up music that makes me want to dance. I end up having dance/cleaning parties, dance/workout parties, dance/bill paying parties, dance/craft parties......well you get the picture. I decided the other day when I was in a funk to make a workout play list. I find myself using this list of music to get myself pumped to attack the day. It just makes me happy. It's so fun to be able to dance with Lilly too. Three year olds have the best dance moves! We dance like crazy people all around the apartment and just laugh. The following list is what I have on there so far. Enjoy.

1. Rihanna-Umbrella
2. Adele-Rolling in the Deep
3. Lady GaGa-Bad Romance
4. Lady GaGa-Just dance
5. Brandi Carlisle-Dying Day
6. Adele-Rumor Has It
7. Rihanna-Don't Stop The Music
8. Rihanna-We Found Love
9. Franz Ferdinand-Take Me Out
10. LMFAO-Sexy And I Know It
11. LMFAO-Party Rock Anthem
12. Lady GaGa-Poker Face
13. Rihanna-Shut Up and Drive
14. Brandi Carlisle-Caroline
15. Lady GaGa/Beyonce-Telephone
16. Mumford and Sons-Little Lion Man
17. The Proclaimers-500 Miles
18. The Black Eyed Peas-The Time
19. David Guetta-Where Them Girls At
20. Martin Solveig-Hello
21. Alice Deejay-Better Off Alone
22. Ashlee Simpson-Lala
23. ATC-Around the World
24. Beatfreakz-Somebody's Watching me
25. Blink 182-Adam's Song
26. Britney Spears-Toxic
27. Darude-Sandstorm
28. Dave Matthews Band-Two Step
29. DJ Sammy and Yanou-Heaven
30. Galaxee-Lullaby
31. Gwen Stephani-Bananas
32. Lindsay Lohan-Rumors
33. Mercy Me-So Long Self
34. N Sync-Bye Bye Bye
35. New Radicals-You Get What You Give
36. New Radicals-You've Got The Music In You
37. Nirvana-Smells Like Teen Spirit
38. REM-It's The End Of The World As We Know It
39. Sir Mix A Lot-Baby Got Back
40. Smashing Pumpkins-1979
41. Snap-Rhythm Is A Dancer
42. Spice Girls-Spice Up Your Life
43. The Cranberries-Zombie
44. The Planets-Contradanza
45. Tobymac-Get This party Started
46. Toby mac-Burn For You

I'm scared

192.2 today. That is exciting and scary for me at the same time. If you have read my previous posts you know why. I always stop right around this weight. I have no idea why but it happens. I either get stuck, let life get in my way, or get burnt out.

I do NOT want that to happen again. I feel like i'm living a Bill Murray in Ground Hog's day life. I can't seem to move past this point. I feel like this time is different but i'm still scared.

I'm scared of the unknown. I'ts been a very long time since I was ever below 185lbs. Who am I as a thin(ner) person? I don't know. That scares me. I'm scared and excited to mold a new Becky. I want different things now and I know that losing the weight will help with that. It's kind of like letting go of a security blanket.

I'm scared that my life won't be as amazing as I have been picturing it to be. I'm scared that i'm setting myself up for disappointment. That even though I've lost the weight I will not be able to do all the wonderful things I have planned.

I'm scared that I will let down my readers. That they are expecting this amazing transformation and I won't be up to snuff. That even though I have lost the weight I will still look the same. I'm scared that they will all leave me and my support system and inspiration will be gone.

Mostly i'm scared that I will let down my family. They are the driving force behind my weight loss and fitness goals. I desperately want to make them proud and succeed. I don't want to continue this cycle that I have created for myself.

Why share all these fears with you?

Well for one I want you to know that if you are scared too you are not alone. Changing yourself is scary. Most of us are heavy because it's our safety zone. Our security blanket. Our armor if you will. Taking all of that off is kin to exposing our vulnerabilities to the world.

Secondly I want to share this because I want to overcome them. I think that once you share your fears you have nothing to hide and can start working on them. I know what is blocking my success now and I know what to look for when I start to struggle.

Thirdly I shared because I need support, accountability, and wisdom from you guys. This is not something that I want to go at alone. I have tried that way and failed. I don't want to fail again so I'm making sure that everyone knows what i'm doing, how I sabotage myself, and how to help me through it. This isn't an easy journey to make. You have to face a lot of demons along the way. However, it is a very freeing journey. Honesty is good for the soul. I have nothing to fear, nothing to run from, nothing to hide.

I am always here for you guys as well. I get it. I know what it's like to feel stuck, frustrated, scared, etc. Let's band together and beat this together. Let's show the world that we are STRONG CHICKADEES!

Trusty Chucks Giveaway

Who doesn't like a giveaway?

Not this girl! I love them! My friend Mary at Trusty Chucks is having an awesome one today! I don't know if you are like me and suddenly have old lady hands in the winter time. It's bad. They are dry, flaky, and wrinkly. Eww and eww. Her giveaway is organic and vegan body care from Mocha Tree Organics and they are even offering a discount! How cool is that? So, get your dry, scaly, flaky butt over there and register for the giveaway and buy some stuff at a 25% discount! Let her know I sent you! Happy shopping and reading!

http://www.trustychucks.com/2012/02/mocha-tree-organics-giveaway.html

Just an idea

I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life.

Of course I want to be a wonderful mother and wife to my family but I mean as a career. A legacy if you will. My mark on the world. My passion. My talent.

This is something that I have been thinking about for awhile. I never thought I would be reaching 30 and still not have a clue as to what I want for my life and my future. I always assumed that I would have it all figured out before hand. My goal this year, yes it's only February but my birthday is in September so give me a break, has been to make myself into the Becky I've always wanted to be before I hit 30.

Why 30?

Great question!

(Yes, I am pretending you are talking back to me. I do know I need help. Let's continue shall we?)

My twenties have been tumultuous at best. I have spent a lot of time just trying to survive life. I really want my thirties to be amazing. I want to be financially sound, fit and healthy, and making my mark on this world. I want my 30's to usher in a new peaceful time for me and my family. I know life will never be perfect but I want my 30's to be fulfilling and meaningful.

I have been shooting around ideas to Steve and Nicole. I love making people feel safe, respected, listened to, and encouraged. I want to show people that someone does care about them and that someone does want to help them. I know that I hate it when I feel like someone either isn't listening or is half-listening to me. It makes me feel unimportant and disrespected. I don't want anyone to feel that way with me. I want them to feel that they have my undivided attention and full support.

Where am I going with this?

Well, I really want to use that to help people. I think maybe in a counselor, life coach, mentor type of job. It scares me because I don't want to screw anyone up but it excites me because I know that people are desperate for compassion. I'm still thinking and working on this but i'm excited to have even some shred of an idea.

Are you doing something you are passionate about? How did you figure it out? Have you always known, did someone introduce you, did you take a questionnaire, etc? Either way I hope you guys fulfill not only your health and fitness goals but also your career and lifestyle goals.

Challenge

I'm doing my first official One Strong Chickadee challenge. I really want my page to be fun and interactive so I'm trying to do challenges, giveaways, group activities, etc. This is not just my journey and I recognize the need to share with others going through the same journey. That said this made me very nervous. I not only did my first challenge, which is still going on so get on board with us, but also my first video. EEK! I was not sure what my 193lb body would look like on camera doing jumping jacks. I wasn't sure if I would sound like a moron. I wasn't sure people would watch it! I think it was pretty successful. I love hearing comments from people that are moving out of their comfort zone and trying this workout. That is what success is all about. Trying new things and achieving them! There is not a time limit. Just do your best. You'll be amazed at how fast your body will adapt!

Watching my video just brings tears to my eyes. Just two weeks ago now, a little over a week from filming the video, I couldn't get through that workout with out stopping several times. The jumping jacks alone killed me. To watch myself do all 99 in a row without stopping is amazing to me. It shows me that my body is capable of change. My mind is capable of change. That if I just persevere ANYTHING is possible. It's such an empowering feeling.

I want that for you guys too. I want you to look at that mountain and say "Piece of Cake!" You can do it. It doesn't matter how fast anyone else goes. It matters that you start, you do your best, and you finish it. This is not a competition. It's life! Let's go live it!

If you want in on the challenge come visit me at my facebook page. I'll link the video as well. Let's make February as rockin as January!

That is the mobile version sans music

And this link is the one with music that will NOT work on mobile devices.