It's a mess in here

My head is a mess. It's messier than my four year old's room right now. I can't seem to get my thoughts in order so that I can sort through them and dispose of the bad and keep the good. So, if this post is super disjointed I apologize. I'm sorting while writing.

I lost weight. I lost a lot of weight. 45(ish) pounds to be exact. Then I got pregnant. I also got sick. Very sick. I'm the worst person in the world when i'm pukey. I wallow in self pity and if I actually throw up it's the end of the world. So, I ate to keep away the vomit. That first trimester I was in survival mode and didn't give two farts to the wind about what my weight was doing.

Fast forward on to the second trimester. I was feeling great! It was also the holiday season. I gained 9lbs in two weeks eating Christmas cookies and other goodies. HOLY CRAP. I backed off and started eating right but the damage was already done. I had gained at least 20lbs of fat. I had worked so hard to get that off. Ugh!

Third trimester the weight kept increasing but it was pretty much all baby. I started dreaming of the day when I could go back to exercising and "dieting". When I would shed this baby weight and be only a short distance away from my pre-pregnancy weight. Did that stop me from eating ice cream and cookies? Nope. (Feel free to insert a face palm here. I know I did.)

Now i'm two months postpartum and ready to get back in the game. However, my head is still a mess. I am upset at the weight gain, ashamed at my lack of control, angry that my body is a disaster, and feeling lost once again.

Boy you aren't joking there random picture making person. This negativity is sucking all the happiness and motivation from me. It's making me forget that exercise and eating well makes me feel good. It makes me look good. It makes me a better mother and wife. It's making me forget all the things I did to help myself lose the weight the first time. I can't let it have that much power. Not gonna do it!

I'm going to chose to ignore that ugly number on the scale for now. I'm going to chose to focus on getting back into a routine. Focus on cleaning up my diet, getting in my exercise, and drinking more water. Get back to the basics of it all and uncomplicate it. Remember why I started this in the first place and get back to being a positive role model for my little ones.

Thanks random picture making person. You always know how to pick me back up, dust me off, and put me on the right path again.