To be completely honest I have no idea what I want to write there. I just know that i'm feeling very overwhelmed with life right now. This may never even see the light of day and that is perfectly fine. I'm just feeling the need to write.
I have a very fussy baby. I don't even know if I would call him fussy. He's a crier. He cries for everything. We got the fussiness under control a few weeks ago. He wasn't doing well on either formula we tried until the doctor said that he may have a lactose intolerance so we put him on soy. That seemed to be our golden ticket to a healthy and happy baby. Well, he still cries a lot but not in pain. It gets very stressful and overwhelming. I can't seem to put him down. I truly am not the type of mom that holds her babies non-stop and then complains about it. I try to put him down so that he will gain independence. He wants nothing to do with it and no amount of soothing will calm him down. I'm at a bit of a loss. My first was nothing like this. I feel my mental well being breaking down bit by bit. Cry by cry. But there are bouts of sunshine in the mist. Moments when he smiles at me with such genuine love and happiness that fills my heart with pure joy and love. Moments when I realize just how much I love this chubby, squeaky, sweet baby. Those are the ones I hold onto during the gray periods. I know that this time will pass in the blink of an eye. One day I will no longer be able to hold his tiny sleeping body. No longer be able to gaze upon his sweet peaceful face. To gently kiss his little mouth and feel his breath upon my lips. Those first moments with him as he learns to smile, giggle, talk, crawl, walk, and explore his new world. Those are what matters. Those are worth every tear shed, every frustrating moment, and every sleep deprived day. I will never get this time back with him. I will remember that and hold on to every sweet and fleeting moment.
My four year old is wanting more grandparent time than mommy time. That makes me so sad. I don't blame her on the one hand. I have a super needy baby and he takes up a lot of my time. On the other hand I want her to want to be with me no matter what. To get excited when I want to take her places and do things with her. Not say I want to do those things but with Mamaw and Papaw. That just kills me. My heart literally hurts to hear that. I love her with every fiber of my being and I know she feels the same. I just have to remember that she loves to go, play, see, do, and be. She gets that spirit from me. If she can get that from Mamaw and Papaw right now I have to be ok with it and happy that they are providing such a wonderful and enriching time for my precious daughter.
Things are going well in the health and weight loss department. I haven't been at it long but it just feels natural. I had to get there by way of a picture fail but whatever. Some times you just need a push, a wake up call, a scare, etc. I'm starting to feel stronger and healthier already. I love seeing my body respond positively to my changes. It reinforces my good behavior. That sounds so childish but I don't think we ever grow out of the need for positive reinforcement. That is why there are raises and bonuses at work. It stimulates us into being better and more productive.
I have goals and dreams and ambitions. I'm not sure how they will play out yet. I have a deep yearning to head to the mountains. I can almost hear them calling me home. I was born in Wyoming and it's as if those mountains are calling to me. Telling me to come back to my place of birth. I have never felt such a strong urge to move before. I have been pretty content here in Indiana. As I have been growing and developing my identity it is becoming more and more apparent that Indiana will no longer be my permanent home. I don't feel like I fit here anymore. I need to be in nature. I need to be with like-minded people. I need to breathe the mountain air. I need to teach my children how to be adventurous just as much as I need to teach them to be healthy and fit. I am hoping to get to those mountains in five years. There is work to do here before we can make that happen but I am hopeful and excited about that future.
I have seen and read a lot lately about people being passionate and fulfilled with their chosen careers. I certainly feel that way about being a stay at home mother even with the frustrations I am curently experiencing . I do know though that I want to do more with my time when I am able. I want to go help people who need me. I want to build houses with Habitat for Humanity. I want to be a small part of such a large and life changing gift. I want to be able to show others kindness, love, and compassion. Things that we don't get to see much of from humanity on a daily basis. I want people to know that there are people out there who care about their welfare. Who understand the need to have a home to raise their children in. To provide a safe and loving environment for those kids to come home to every day. To have a roof over their head and a comforting bed to sleep in every night. Not just a house but a home. I want to be a part of that dream for someone. To help turn a terrible situation into a bright future. I know these things are on the horizon for me and I can't wait to get started. I'm focusing on getting my little ones to a more independent age so I can spend time away helping to change other people's lives. I hope that one day they can join me. I hope I can instill a giving spirit in them. A desire to do good, change the world for the better, a need to help their fellow man. That would make me a very proud mother.
So, while I feel like i'm in a holding period. The deep breath before the plunge. The transitioning into a new and more fulfilling life. I am going to keep making the most of this stage. I'm going to learn all I can from my health and fitness journey. I am going to grow as much as possible. I'm going to enjoy my little children and make as many memories with them as I can. I'm going to live every day because it is a gift. One that I intend to make the most of. I don't want to leave here with regrets. I want to be excited. I want others to be excited for me. I want to inspire.
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