I only lost....

So, I lost 1.6lbs this week.

1.6lbs....

On the one hand I don't think that's a bad amount to lose.

On the other I do because it's my first week and I still have a lot to lose.

I want it to come off quickly even though I know that the slower I go the healthier it is and the better my skin will look in the end. I'm just having a hard time keeping that in mind when I look in the mirror, get dressed, or step on the scale. I'm haunted by my pre-pregnancy weight. I want to slap myself for getting to this size again. I sound like a broken freaking record. A whiny poop head. I know this but I can't stop myself. I'm frustrated.

I'm fully aware that a lack of sleep contributes to a slower weight loss but that is out of my control. That will only get better as Ronan gets bigger. So, I guess i'll take the slower weight loss and move on. Remember that I am doing this to be healthier and more fit. Size and weight doesn't matter right now. Focus Becky. Focus.

In the depths of my mind

To be completely honest I have no idea what I want to write there. I just know that i'm feeling very overwhelmed with life right now. This may never even see the light of day and that is perfectly fine. I'm just feeling the need to write.

I have a very fussy baby. I don't even know if I would call him fussy. He's a crier. He cries for everything. We got the fussiness under control a few weeks ago. He wasn't doing well on either formula we tried until the doctor said that he may have a lactose intolerance so we put him on soy. That seemed to be our golden ticket to a healthy and happy baby. Well, he still cries a lot but not in pain. It gets very stressful and overwhelming. I can't seem to put him down. I truly am not the type of mom that holds her babies non-stop and then complains about it. I try to put him down so that he will gain independence. He wants nothing to do with it and no amount of soothing will calm him down. I'm at a bit of a loss. My first was nothing like this. I feel my mental well being breaking down bit by bit. Cry by cry. But there are bouts of sunshine in the mist. Moments when he smiles at me with such genuine love and happiness that fills my heart with pure joy and love. Moments when I realize just how much I love this chubby, squeaky, sweet baby. Those are the ones I hold onto during the gray periods. I know that this time will pass in the blink of an eye. One day I will no longer be able to hold his tiny sleeping body. No longer be able to gaze upon his sweet peaceful face. To gently kiss his little mouth and feel his breath upon my lips. Those first moments with him as he learns to smile, giggle, talk, crawl, walk, and explore his new world. Those are what matters. Those are worth every tear shed, every frustrating moment, and every sleep deprived day. I will never get this time back with him. I will remember that and hold on to every sweet and fleeting moment.

My four year old is wanting more grandparent time than mommy time. That makes me so sad. I don't blame her on the one hand. I have a super needy baby and he takes up a lot of my time. On the other hand I want her to want to be with me no matter what. To get excited when I want to take her places and do things with her. Not say I want to do those things but with Mamaw and Papaw. That just kills me. My heart literally hurts to hear that. I love her with every fiber of my being and I know she feels the same. I just have to remember that she loves to go, play, see, do, and be. She gets that spirit from me. If she can get that from Mamaw and Papaw right now I have to be ok with it and happy that they are providing such a wonderful and enriching time for my precious daughter.

Things are going well in the health and weight loss department. I haven't been at it long but it just feels natural. I had to get there by way of a picture fail but whatever. Some times you just need a push, a wake up call, a scare, etc. I'm starting to feel stronger and healthier already. I love seeing my body respond positively to my changes. It reinforces my good behavior. That sounds so childish but I don't think we ever grow out of the need for positive reinforcement. That is why there are raises and bonuses at work. It stimulates us into being better and more productive.

I have goals and dreams and ambitions. I'm not sure how they will play out yet. I have a deep yearning to head to the mountains. I can almost hear them calling me home. I was born in Wyoming and it's as if those mountains are calling to me. Telling me to come back to my place of birth. I have never felt such a strong urge to move before. I have been pretty content here in Indiana. As I have been growing and developing my identity it is becoming more and more apparent that Indiana will no longer be my permanent home. I don't feel like I fit here anymore. I need to be in nature. I need to be with like-minded people. I need to breathe the mountain air. I need to teach my children how to be adventurous just as much as I need to teach them to be healthy and fit. I am hoping to get to those mountains in five years. There is work to do here before we can make that happen but I am hopeful and excited about that future.

I have seen and read a lot lately about people being passionate and fulfilled with their chosen careers. I certainly feel that way about being a stay at home mother even with the frustrations I am curently experiencing . I do know though that I want to do more with my time when I am able. I want to go help people who need me. I want to build houses with Habitat for Humanity. I want to be a small part of such a large and life changing gift. I want to be able to show others kindness, love, and compassion. Things that we don't get to see much of from humanity on a daily basis. I want people to know that there are people out there who care about their welfare. Who understand the need to have a home to raise their children in. To provide a safe and loving environment for those kids to come home to every day. To have a roof over their head and a comforting bed to sleep in every night. Not just a house but a home. I want to be a part of that dream for someone. To help turn a terrible situation into a bright future. I know these things are on the horizon for me and I can't wait to get started. I'm focusing on getting my little ones to a more independent age so I can spend time away helping to change other people's lives. I hope that one day they can join me. I hope I can instill a giving spirit in them. A desire to do good, change the world for the better, a need to help their fellow man. That would make me a very proud mother.

So, while I feel like i'm in a holding period. The deep breath before the plunge. The transitioning into a new and more fulfilling life. I am going to keep making the most of this stage. I'm going to learn all I can from my health and fitness journey. I am going to grow as much as possible. I'm going to enjoy my little children and make as many memories with them as I can. I'm going to live every day because it is a gift. One that I intend to make the most of. I don't want to leave here with regrets. I want to be excited. I want others to be excited for me. I want to inspire.

Never give up. Never surrender.

It's been 9, almost 10, weeks since I had Ronan. I'm ready to have my old body back. As of right now I can't wear a single stitch of my pre-pregnancy clothing. That sucks. However I know that i'm not doing all the things I need to do in order to lose the weight and get back to being fit and healthy. Honestly though, some days I am crazy pumped to get back into the swing of things. Other days? Not so much. This is directly correlated with the amount of sleep I am getting. I am a complete disaster when sleep deprived. Apparently a new baby will do that to you. Also, I had my first period after pregnancy and it was a doozy. So much so that I was diagnosed with period induced anemia. Anemia really messes with me. I'm tired, dizzy, lethargic, and plagued with headaches. Couple that with my now normal sleep deprived state and I am a complete mess.

So, what is a tired Mommy to do? I think it's to take it one day at a time. Keep enjoying life with my two little ones. Make the most of the good days and go into survival mode on the bad days. Remember that the extra fat on me doesn't diminish my worth. It doesn't take away from my beauty, my abilities, my love for my family and theirs for me. It doesn't make me a bad person, it makes me a normal person. My goal in life is to be a positive role model for my family. To be someone they can look up to, learn from, and be proud of. Teaching them that outward appearances are just a tiny fraction of what makes up a person is so important. We are complex and beautiful creatures. All of us. We are capable of amazing things if we just let go of our insecurities.

I find that we are the ones that are creating these road blocks. No one thinks these negative things about us. No one looks at us and says that we can't do something because of the way we look. We are our own worst enemy. We prevent ourselves from becoming who we are meant to be. Who we are capable of being. Who we so desperately desire to be. We hide behind our weight, our addictions, our fears instead of letting it go and moving forward. We wish, hope, and dream instead of being, doing, seeing. I for one am tired of wishing my life away. I'm ready to experience life and the riches it provides.

So, all this to say that while I am working on losing this extra weight I will remember to not let it hold me back. Not let it define me. I will remember to give myself a break and stop being so harsh with myself. I will remember that being with family, sharing in these precious and fleeting moments, is so much more important than the number on the scale. I will also remember that keeping my goals and dreams of a healthy, active, and fit family is an important and worthy goal/dream.

Never give up. Never surrender.

It's a mess in here

My head is a mess. It's messier than my four year old's room right now. I can't seem to get my thoughts in order so that I can sort through them and dispose of the bad and keep the good. So, if this post is super disjointed I apologize. I'm sorting while writing.

I lost weight. I lost a lot of weight. 45(ish) pounds to be exact. Then I got pregnant. I also got sick. Very sick. I'm the worst person in the world when i'm pukey. I wallow in self pity and if I actually throw up it's the end of the world. So, I ate to keep away the vomit. That first trimester I was in survival mode and didn't give two farts to the wind about what my weight was doing.

Fast forward on to the second trimester. I was feeling great! It was also the holiday season. I gained 9lbs in two weeks eating Christmas cookies and other goodies. HOLY CRAP. I backed off and started eating right but the damage was already done. I had gained at least 20lbs of fat. I had worked so hard to get that off. Ugh!

Third trimester the weight kept increasing but it was pretty much all baby. I started dreaming of the day when I could go back to exercising and "dieting". When I would shed this baby weight and be only a short distance away from my pre-pregnancy weight. Did that stop me from eating ice cream and cookies? Nope. (Feel free to insert a face palm here. I know I did.)

Now i'm two months postpartum and ready to get back in the game. However, my head is still a mess. I am upset at the weight gain, ashamed at my lack of control, angry that my body is a disaster, and feeling lost once again.

Boy you aren't joking there random picture making person. This negativity is sucking all the happiness and motivation from me. It's making me forget that exercise and eating well makes me feel good. It makes me look good. It makes me a better mother and wife. It's making me forget all the things I did to help myself lose the weight the first time. I can't let it have that much power. Not gonna do it!

I'm going to chose to ignore that ugly number on the scale for now. I'm going to chose to focus on getting back into a routine. Focus on cleaning up my diet, getting in my exercise, and drinking more water. Get back to the basics of it all and uncomplicate it. Remember why I started this in the first place and get back to being a positive role model for my little ones.

Thanks random picture making person. You always know how to pick me back up, dust me off, and put me on the right path again.