Egad!

Today started so well. I had two pumpkin muffins that I made last night. They are so delicious and super easy. I made some coffee, cleaned the apartment up, and got Lilly and I ready for a bike ride. We went to our favorite trail at Potter's Bridge Park and biked around 5 miles. Not too bad for a sore body. When we got home I fixed her a great lunch and I ate some apple slices with peanut butter so that I could help her eat and get to her nap. That is when it turns sour. I grabbed a snack bag of Doritos and a Mountain Dew. WHAT?!?! Why did I do that? No freaking clue. It definitely goes to show though that I can NOT have things in my house that are not good for me. If they are there I will eat them. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID! It doesn't end there though. Oh, no. I had to wash it down with a dark chocolate kit kat. So my lunch started healthy and ended up in the trash. Bah! I feel like a complete moron. The only plus side is now those items are gone and can't be eaten again. Steve made us chili for dinner which was super yummy. That was a great dinner choice. So I guess i'm at 2 for 3 today.  I got some more cleaning done tonight and the apartment looks great. I really love having a clean home. It just makes me happy. I know it makes Steve and Lilly happy as well. Tomorrow will be a better day but I am at least owning up to my mistake so that is one step forward. I'm hoping the scale isn't too mean to me tomorrow. Still no new scale so i'm still looking at a 190 number. :( I think that Lilly and I will get up earlier tomorrow and get our day started in preparation for less sunlight in the coming months. Maybe we'll catch some story time tomorrow at our local Barnes & Noble. Love that place! I hope you guys are doing well and keeping healthy!

SORE!

Holy sore calves Batman! I seriously have been hobbling around like an arthritic 90 year old today. It's been pretty pathetic. I don't know what did it but i'm sure the insane amount of hills at the Warrior Dash did NOT do me any favors. I'm really hoping for a calf miracle tomorrow. I really want to get back to exercising. We got some groceries for the week tonight so I at least don't have to venture out anywhere tomorrow if I don't want to. I would really like to be able to take Lilly on a bike ride so I can get some exercise in along with some Lilly time. We shall see. Today was pretty decent on the eating front. Breakfast was fabulous. Lunch was fine caloricaly (so not a word) but not nutritionally. Dinner was fine too. We had pancakes because Lilly requested them but they were whole wheat so no biggie. And blueberries. I didn't get any real snacks in besides some sunflower seeds that they gave us at the dash. While this is an improvement I can most definitely do better tomorrow and I will. Sometimes you have to ease in a bit. I'm ready to drop some weight though. I didn't make it to the scale isle. I'm a little bummed about that because I hate Satan Scale but i'll get there eventually. I just don't think that seeing 190 is good for my mental health. It is a major road block for me while losing weight. Stupid? Yes but there you have it. I would like to make a formal goal but i'm really not feeling it. My "goal" right now is to just get my booty back on track. Blogging really does help so i'm going to force myself to write something every night. As you can tell i'm just blathering now so it's probably time to publish. Hope you are doing better than I am and if you aren't well join me on the "get back on track train" asap!

Warrior Dash

This weekend Steve, Nicole, James, Cheryl (Nicole's friend), and I all competed in the Warrior Dash. We were the last group to go at 4:30pm on Saturday. We had to go through obstacle courses, up and down hills, through a lot of mud and water, set up in a 3 mile course. When we got there I felt like the fat chick in a sea of skinny people. I was letting self-doubt and negativity creep up on me. I was questioning why I was there and what I was thinking in signing up for this race when I was so obviously wrong for it. God however, bless Him, gently chided my by reminding me that I can do all things through HIM who gives me strength. So I got all my gear on, got up to the starting line, and held my head up high. I knew that while I wouldn't come in first, or even in the middle, as long as I finished the race and did my best that I could go home proud. Steve and I stuck together the whole way. I kept telling him that it was me and him all the way and forever. I would be with him and support him, and vice versa, through all of life's obstacle courses. We went up 15-20 foot walls, ran through mud and creeks, jumped over fire, swam through mud, and crawled under barbed wire. It was thrilling and brought us closer together as a couple. We were able to share moments together that I will forever be grateful for. The complete trust that we had in each other to help one another, stay together, and support each other was amazing. It really proved to me that we are so much stronger together than apart. We finished the race in an hour. Not the best time in the bunch but not the worst. I'm so proud that we were able to do every single obstacle course and make it 3 miles on top of that. I was really proud that I was able to haul my body up over those huge walls with my little arms. That is a lot of weight. I love proving to others but mostly myself that yes I can do it! My weight doesn't define me. I am strong, willing, and able. Just try to bet against me. You'll lose every time.

I want to be perfect

I really do. However I am a flawed individual who, for some strange reason, likes to mess things up just when they are going so well. I know that in this I am not alone, however, it is seriously frustrating. I promptly got out of the 190s, made my birthday goal, and then drop kicked myself off the wagon. I really need to take a look at myself and figure out why I do this. Am I scared to be thin? Am I scared of failing? Am I scared of the hard work it will take? Most likely it's all of the above. I would love to understand myself in this but I just don't. I guess I just have to take comfort in the fact that I am not alone in feeling this way or doing these things to myself. I didn't completely lose my head and start downing oreos with a cheesecake chaser but I could have been losing weight this whole time. ANNOYING!!!!! I won't make my first birthday goal but I can do another one. I will have to think long and hard about what I want it to be before I post it. One thing that I have figured out however is that I am not a gym rat. I love doing things, that to me, don't feel like exercising. I love bike rides, dancing in the living room with Lilly, swimming, long walks with my family, and playing sports. I need to realize that it is ok to have that be my exercise. After all, this is a life change, not a temporary fix. It is so important to stress that fact. Nicole has told me over and over again that this is not something I can fail at. You can't fail at life. You can't fail at trying to better yourself. So, yes I want to be perfect but God made me this beautifully imperfect me. I'm pretty sure He knew what He was doing.